is coming to an end
I know a lot of these blog posts have been funny. Some have been serious, and some have just been down right scary (lizards and scorpions anyone?). They have showed my struggles over here and they have showed me attempting to fit in and work things out. Sometimes they even showed a success or two. They fell short in showing the beauty of the land and people. These post couldn't have shown you the whole picture there wasn't enough time.
These posts didn't show the growth I've experienced, the lessons both hard and easy, the lonely nights, the days that flew by. They didn't show the need of the people I saw everyday, the beauty that is hidden if you can just look past the dust. They were unable to show the times I wrestled with my pride, spoke in anger, acted in fear, or spoke in love. They are unable to show the nights that I cried myself to sleep, the hurt that I saw when I looked into our girl's eyes, nor the broken hearts that cried out to God asking why. And they are unable to capture the love of those around me attempting to help them heal.
These posts didn't show the prayers said, the harsh words at God for allowing this to occur, the questions of why me from both the girls and myself. The questions of why India? Why now? These post were unable to show my egotistical thoughts of being able to fix this country and every girl that we got when I first arrived. Nor could they show how quickly God humbled me. They are unable to show the fights I had, the struggles of will, the letting go of pride, the attempt to grasp the whole picture, the letting go and giving it all to God, or the trust I had to put in God. I have learned a great many things here and some of them are too personal to share while others. Well others are things I hope you all can see when I get home.
I no longer have an answer to everything, I no longer believe I can solve every problem on my own. I no longer solely rely on me. I couldn't not here in India where everyday was a struggle. It was a struggle to wake up and face another day, it was a struggle to not give up hope, to not give in, to not lie down and allow myself to get swallowed up in depression.
Now every morning I wake up with renewed grace and just enough strength to get through the day. Everyday I see how all my struggles throughout my life have been for this 6 months. They have made me strong enough to get through this. They have prepared me and sharpen me for this moment so that I would be able to look to the one person that would get me through.
Every time I lay down at night (hot) and exhausted I stare up at the ceiling full of awe of how God works and how he took me through A so that when M presented itself here I would be prepared. I was a teacher in A and now in M I'm a teacher. I was a case manager at B and now in N I am a case manager. I was a supervisor at C now I am supervisor. I went to school to be a counselor at D and now in P I am a counselor.
Needless to say I told you all that to say this. If I knew in January that I would come to India and deal with all of this involved with the home. And all the personal stuff that I would have to struggle with and come to terms with I would've walked away. Now knowing what I know and learning what I've learned I wouldn't miss an opportunity like this for anything.
The people I've met, the friends I've made, the girls that I've been blessed to be around, the lessons I've learned that have been hard and easy, and the experiences I've had have been worth it. It's been worth the lizards, rickshaws, trains, squatty potties, bugs, heat, autos, scary people, lonely nights, tears on my pillow, and rice. They have all taught me more about myself and the strength that only God can provide.
My time is coming to an end here in India and in less than 13 days I will be in Thailand. There I will have a brief time to heal from all the horror stories I've heard about the girls, I will have a chance to be with God alone with no distractions. Once home I will be able to prepare for coming home and facing new challenges. There will be no more dust, no more honking horns, and no more dirty feet. I will be able to rest completely not worrying about a sudden trip to the ER in the middle of the night or a problem at the house. I will be able to carry on a normal conversation that doesn't have to be translated. I will be able to drink water from the tap without the fear of consequences.
And I will finally be able to have a snow-cone or a hamburger.
But oh how I shall miss the eight shinning faces greeting me in the morning asking me Ma'am English? Or just running up for a hug. Or the teasing, the I love yous, the Sara di-di, the laughter, the hokey pokey, the yelling and screaming. I will miss the random gifts made from young hands, the tears as they explain to me their woes in a language I don't understand. I will miss their good mornings and their good nights.
I will miss finding an excuse to run into the office in order to hide out in the A/c. I will miss my friends who laugh at my hiding. I will miss shopping for kurtas, KFC trips, having a coke delivered daily. I will miss Mina asking me if I want Maggi, Hima asking me for English lessons and calling me Sara di-di, I will miss Prodipta joking around with me about the hot dentist or cop that just popped into the house. I will miss Saraba and I discussing America and how different it is from here, but how well she will do when she moves there. I will miss Jordana and I reviewing cases that always lead to personal therapy on ourselves. I will miss Janice constantly popping up with ideas that have to be done right now, and Don saying sure to them all. I will miss the caregivers asking me how I am and then laughing when I say, "ki ko say?" (which is totally spelled wrong but means "What she say?").
I will miss the hot showers that never get cold in the summer and the cold showers that never get hot in the winter. I will miss constantly looking for Fred in the apartment and hoping he didn't eat the dead cockroach since I killed it by spraying it with Hit. I will miss worrying that the Hit I did just kill the cockroach has killed valuable brain cells I may need in the future. I will miss the quiet noise filled nights with honking, shouts, babies crying and drunk men singing. I will miss the too sweet sweets, the bright colors and the never ending hot sun that rises way too early. I will miss the hours of grading papers, the days of writing lesson plans, the long nights of prayers and the constant presence of rice.
I will miss the people begging as I walk, the shy way some few brave ones come up to me to say hi in English. The quick way they then run from me when I answer back. The multi talented way I have learned to walk carrying an umbrella, purse, groceries, back pack, computer, cell phone, and my handy dandy Swiss army knife ready and armed. I will miss the darting in and out of traffic, the fresh mangos, the oohs and awws at the hair salon when they style my hair. I will miss the way the shop owners attempt to impress me by showing me they speak broken English yet then over charge me. I will miss the way I am always called sister when I pass by and how no one ever knows where KS is. I will miss that every time I visit someone they insist on feeding me or giving me tea.
I will miss the photos and being asked to pose with people or being asked to be friends with people on FB. You would think I wouldn't miss these things and yet I do. I know a lot of my post have been funny or scary, however, in reality India has been wonderful. Nicer than even my own country at times. Sure there are frustrations and headaches, weird toilets, and no toilet paper, but that is everywhere. At least here I find that if I just smile it all works itself out.
India I was scared to death of you. Of what you held, what would happen to me, what would become of me. And now I find that I am truly sad to be leaving you. Leaving behind my new sisters (Prodipta, Jordana, Sara Jane, Bulli, Apora, Junali, Audrey, Nancy, Anna, and Hima,) my new brothers Anupam and Jonathon, all my dear friends Janice, Renee, Kelley, Jan and Felicia and my new found aunts and uncles (all the aunties and uncles in Jorhat, Mina, Superjani, and aunties and uncles in Dibrugarh) I will miss you all and I will miss the 7 lovely faces I see everyday.
Man who would've thought leaving would be so hard.
These posts didn't show the growth I've experienced, the lessons both hard and easy, the lonely nights, the days that flew by. They didn't show the need of the people I saw everyday, the beauty that is hidden if you can just look past the dust. They were unable to show the times I wrestled with my pride, spoke in anger, acted in fear, or spoke in love. They are unable to show the nights that I cried myself to sleep, the hurt that I saw when I looked into our girl's eyes, nor the broken hearts that cried out to God asking why. And they are unable to capture the love of those around me attempting to help them heal.
These posts didn't show the prayers said, the harsh words at God for allowing this to occur, the questions of why me from both the girls and myself. The questions of why India? Why now? These post were unable to show my egotistical thoughts of being able to fix this country and every girl that we got when I first arrived. Nor could they show how quickly God humbled me. They are unable to show the fights I had, the struggles of will, the letting go of pride, the attempt to grasp the whole picture, the letting go and giving it all to God, or the trust I had to put in God. I have learned a great many things here and some of them are too personal to share while others. Well others are things I hope you all can see when I get home.
I no longer have an answer to everything, I no longer believe I can solve every problem on my own. I no longer solely rely on me. I couldn't not here in India where everyday was a struggle. It was a struggle to wake up and face another day, it was a struggle to not give up hope, to not give in, to not lie down and allow myself to get swallowed up in depression.
Now every morning I wake up with renewed grace and just enough strength to get through the day. Everyday I see how all my struggles throughout my life have been for this 6 months. They have made me strong enough to get through this. They have prepared me and sharpen me for this moment so that I would be able to look to the one person that would get me through.
Every time I lay down at night (hot) and exhausted I stare up at the ceiling full of awe of how God works and how he took me through A so that when M presented itself here I would be prepared. I was a teacher in A and now in M I'm a teacher. I was a case manager at B and now in N I am a case manager. I was a supervisor at C now I am supervisor. I went to school to be a counselor at D and now in P I am a counselor.
Needless to say I told you all that to say this. If I knew in January that I would come to India and deal with all of this involved with the home. And all the personal stuff that I would have to struggle with and come to terms with I would've walked away. Now knowing what I know and learning what I've learned I wouldn't miss an opportunity like this for anything.
The people I've met, the friends I've made, the girls that I've been blessed to be around, the lessons I've learned that have been hard and easy, and the experiences I've had have been worth it. It's been worth the lizards, rickshaws, trains, squatty potties, bugs, heat, autos, scary people, lonely nights, tears on my pillow, and rice. They have all taught me more about myself and the strength that only God can provide.
My time is coming to an end here in India and in less than 13 days I will be in Thailand. There I will have a brief time to heal from all the horror stories I've heard about the girls, I will have a chance to be with God alone with no distractions. Once home I will be able to prepare for coming home and facing new challenges. There will be no more dust, no more honking horns, and no more dirty feet. I will be able to rest completely not worrying about a sudden trip to the ER in the middle of the night or a problem at the house. I will be able to carry on a normal conversation that doesn't have to be translated. I will be able to drink water from the tap without the fear of consequences.
And I will finally be able to have a snow-cone or a hamburger.
But oh how I shall miss the eight shinning faces greeting me in the morning asking me Ma'am English? Or just running up for a hug. Or the teasing, the I love yous, the Sara di-di, the laughter, the hokey pokey, the yelling and screaming. I will miss the random gifts made from young hands, the tears as they explain to me their woes in a language I don't understand. I will miss their good mornings and their good nights.
I will miss finding an excuse to run into the office in order to hide out in the A/c. I will miss my friends who laugh at my hiding. I will miss shopping for kurtas, KFC trips, having a coke delivered daily. I will miss Mina asking me if I want Maggi, Hima asking me for English lessons and calling me Sara di-di, I will miss Prodipta joking around with me about the hot dentist or cop that just popped into the house. I will miss Saraba and I discussing America and how different it is from here, but how well she will do when she moves there. I will miss Jordana and I reviewing cases that always lead to personal therapy on ourselves. I will miss Janice constantly popping up with ideas that have to be done right now, and Don saying sure to them all. I will miss the caregivers asking me how I am and then laughing when I say, "ki ko say?" (which is totally spelled wrong but means "What she say?").
I will miss the hot showers that never get cold in the summer and the cold showers that never get hot in the winter. I will miss constantly looking for Fred in the apartment and hoping he didn't eat the dead cockroach since I killed it by spraying it with Hit. I will miss worrying that the Hit I did just kill the cockroach has killed valuable brain cells I may need in the future. I will miss the quiet noise filled nights with honking, shouts, babies crying and drunk men singing. I will miss the too sweet sweets, the bright colors and the never ending hot sun that rises way too early. I will miss the hours of grading papers, the days of writing lesson plans, the long nights of prayers and the constant presence of rice.
I will miss the people begging as I walk, the shy way some few brave ones come up to me to say hi in English. The quick way they then run from me when I answer back. The multi talented way I have learned to walk carrying an umbrella, purse, groceries, back pack, computer, cell phone, and my handy dandy Swiss army knife ready and armed. I will miss the darting in and out of traffic, the fresh mangos, the oohs and awws at the hair salon when they style my hair. I will miss the way the shop owners attempt to impress me by showing me they speak broken English yet then over charge me. I will miss the way I am always called sister when I pass by and how no one ever knows where KS is. I will miss that every time I visit someone they insist on feeding me or giving me tea.
I will miss the photos and being asked to pose with people or being asked to be friends with people on FB. You would think I wouldn't miss these things and yet I do. I know a lot of my post have been funny or scary, however, in reality India has been wonderful. Nicer than even my own country at times. Sure there are frustrations and headaches, weird toilets, and no toilet paper, but that is everywhere. At least here I find that if I just smile it all works itself out.
India I was scared to death of you. Of what you held, what would happen to me, what would become of me. And now I find that I am truly sad to be leaving you. Leaving behind my new sisters (Prodipta, Jordana, Sara Jane, Bulli, Apora, Junali, Audrey, Nancy, Anna, and Hima,) my new brothers Anupam and Jonathon, all my dear friends Janice, Renee, Kelley, Jan and Felicia and my new found aunts and uncles (all the aunties and uncles in Jorhat, Mina, Superjani, and aunties and uncles in Dibrugarh) I will miss you all and I will miss the 7 lovely faces I see everyday.
Man who would've thought leaving would be so hard.
That was beautiful. You went over there to help, and ended up being helped. I'm so happy for you and can't wait to sit down with a glass of wine and whatever food you desire and hear about it more in depth. On a lighter note, you must teach me how to say "what she say?". *wink*
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