Squatty potties and dirty feet... it explains so much

Warning the following is not for the faint at heart or stomach....

Alright ladies let's discuss the bathroom situation over here in India and why I thank God daily that I can hold my bladder for upwards of 8 hours when needed. Healthy no and I will remedy this when I get back to the good Old US of A, but in the mean time I will hold it as long as it takes to get to a clean western style toilet unless I am absolutely certain I won't find one between point A and point B.

Now you have read the train story I'm sure if not you can read it here first then come back I'll wait. What I left out of that lovely adventure is the picture above AKA the dreaded squatty potties that all trains and most places in India have. Now the few that do have a Western style potty do not stock toilet paper. So it is almost pointless to go to them unless you enjoy being sprayed by water that would put a fireman's hose to shame. Or you learn how to use a cup that has water in it. Of course you can always carry your own toilet paper which is in fact what I have chosen to do here during my stay. I never leave home without! Whose says you have to be a boy scout to always be prepared? My mad toilet skillz would amaze you at best shock you at worse, but I'll leave that up to you to decide as we progress.

So one learns to carry (to quote LOTRs) "my precious" toilet paper everywhere one goes. The train is no exception. Let me walk you through a typical train ride... after one holds their bladder for as long as one can you slowly wiggle your way out of the middle bird, drop down from the top bird or simply stand from the bottom bird (see now you understand why I covet the bottom bird) and slowly make your way through the narrow walk ways to get to the potty that you share with a thousand other people currently on board and who have travelled before you. Cause I'm betting they don't clean the potty at all EVER... (I told you, you have been warned)

As you make your way down to the potty you read a sign that says please do not flush when at station... as you determine why that is you walk into a suspiciously wet floor that is in a small room slightly bigger than an airplane bathroom but a whole lot dirtier. You look down and see a hole in the floor and two skid plates where your feet should go. There is a handle bar to help you squat and to hold on to as the train is a rockin back and forth. There is also a very dirty looking cup filled with what I am only hoping is water.

Now the goal of this is to not get your pants, kurta, dupatta, feet or any part of your body wet with well you know. So you go ahead and roll up your jeans to at least the tops of your knees. You then proceed to place your feet where the anti-slip skids are. Then you squat whilst using the handle bar which happens to be on the left hand side (this is important as you will note that you never take anything from someone nor give anything to someone with your left hand. This is one of the many reason why. The other is due to not having toilet paper)

Now you are going to want to grab on tightly to that handle bar cause as I mentioned before the train is rocking back and forth (to and fro to and fro that's the way the wold rolls) Now once you are in a squat position you are going to need to aim for the hole. If you do not hit the hole you will spray your feet. I am not saying that I've done this or anything per say I'm just asking you to trust me on this little bit of free information. Aim men and Aim women if I knew everyone was aiming as good as me then I wouldn't question the wetness on the floor so much. Aiming is the key to using a squatty potty.

I hope during this whole time you have remembered your toilet paper. I hope you were smart enough to keep it under you chin because at this point digging it out of your pants is not going to happen and using that cup is very questionable. So memo to you always bring toilet paper and carry it under your chin. Next you have to remember while in India you will be wearing a kurta. That is a VERY LONG SHIRT that goes at least to your knees. It does have slits in the side to help but its still very long. So not only do you have to wrestle to keep your pants from touching the "wetness" on the floor you also have to prevent your kurta from touching anything or getting sprayed when you are squatting. 

Personally to help with this I tuck my kurta into my bra or up to my shoulders sometimes under my arms. Then I tie my lovely dupatta (another positive attitribute) around my middle to hold my kurta in place or to tuck my kurta into it or around my shoulder on one side. Either way it does help with the kurta dilemma you will face in this situation.

If you do happen to forget your toilet paper at any point you can use the cup usually beside the squatty potty. I would forgo it on a train but in other less questionable areas it is perfectly acceptable. Now you use the cup by either pouring it down or splashing it up. If you pick to splash it you forfeit your pants and everyone will know how much you struggled with cleaning yourself after using a squatty potty (again not from experience per say just a general observation *throat clears*) On a plus side if you do splash and forfeit your pants your feet become clean. However, you will have to squeak back to your seat/bird/car all while trying to pretend that the water was in fact from you "washing your feet on purpose" and not from missing with the cup and splashing your feet and jeans instead. Again no first hand knowledge of this per say.

Now that was simply a potty on the train if one must do the potty elsewhere like a village or a tourist location it is much easier, but please remember to take your toilet paper and look around. Some places demand you put the paper in a waste bin while others don't have a clue that you are even bringing it in. Also you might want to bring the toilet paper with you if you are visiting as a guest that way you just avoid the whole awkward situation in someone's home. I freely admit if you look in my purse at any given time you will see a roll of toilet paper that I carry with me everywhere I go.

Ladies you have been warned

Oh and PS antibacterial gel is a MUST and VERY handy in those moments after using the potty. Actually its just handy in general since most wash rooms don't have soap to begin with.

Train rides in India... and the joy they encompass

At first it sounds like a heck of a good time. I mean not to sound like Sheldon Cooper or anything, but who doesn't like trains? Especially if its across a country you have never seen to a place you have never been what could be more adventurous I ask you? Then you see this...

 

 

Just playing that isn't what I rode, but a lot of you were thinking it was weren't you? Come on be honest! So it wasn't anything like this, but it was an adventure. First off it is night when one travels across country so that view you were imaging that you might get doesn't happen. It also means that you are now expected to sleep on the train since once again you will be traveling at night and arriving about 2 or 3 in the morning if in fact the train is on time. Now I am not sure if any of you have ever rode on a train during the night or in fact slept on a train so allow me to set the stage for you if I may.

First and foremost you must prepare yourself for the mass exodus/mad dash to either get aboard the train or off the train. EVERYONE and I do mean EVERYONE attempts to get off and on at the same time (when here you face this same situation pretty much everywhere there is not a clearly marked entrance or exit). Now for those of you unfamiliar with a mass exodus/mad dash entrance it involves a whole heck of a lot of pushing, some yelling, then some smashing, followed closely with pulling and shoving. It also includes some choice words in a language you may or may not understand followed closely with a tone that you can't mistake. I promise you the tone and the meaning behind the words was duly noted buddy, duly noted.

Now you may be wondering if that also means you have to fight for your seat because obviously if you are that desperate to get on you surely are in order to get a good seat. That you would in fact have to fight for your seat. Well if that is what you are thinking then you would be wrong. The mad dash and mass exodus is for nothing... absolutely nothing. There is in fact assigned seats. So the mad dash is for no other reason then the simple fact of why not?! We can so we will mentality.

So now that you have fought your way on board, then found your assigned seat, and then stored your luggage underneath your assigned seat you think you can relax and let the adventure occur. That's when it hits you that you actually have to sleep on this thing. This is what your seat looks like at first

Now it depends if you are lucky or not (and let's face it if you have been reading this blog up to this point you have surely figured out that I am not lucky). If you are not me and lucky you will get the bottom bunk/bird. If however, you are me and unlucky in your travels you will either get the middle bird/bunk or the top one.

When they are down and ready for bed this is what they look like...
Now the middle bird is a tricky bird (pun is in fact tended) and when one enters the middle bird one must envision oneself as a worm crawling into a cocoon. All you can really do in this situation is to wiggle on your stomach up to the top and flop down praying those two strappy things that are holding you up in fact do hold you up throughout the shaky night. Now once you are in your bird that's it there will be no sitting and if you were me there will be no going to the bathroom b/c let's face it I had no idea how to get out of the bird once I was in it. And while the whole country of India is smarter than I (b/c they have in fact mastered how to get out of the bird to pee) I was stuck for 6 hours praying that we wouldn't hit anymore ruts in the track.

Now if for some reason you are lucky enough to get the top bird as I was coming back it is much easier to get in and out of. You do not have the added worry of the bird collapsing under your weight and you have the advantage of steps on both sides to climb up and down. The only difficulty one has on the top bird is making the bird up for a nice little sleep. This means that when riding on the top bird you might just find yourself sleeping on vinyl plastic sweating your butt off wishing they had not in fact turned off the air conditioning in an air conditioning car because enough natives complained about how cold it was getting. The whole time wishing you had mastered making a top bunk bed back at camp. *sigh*

Now if the story above sounds like an adventure to you well then all I can say is bully for you. Cause you haven't even asked me what the potty situation is like yet... yep that one is going to be saved for another day needless to say this part is a walk in the park compared to the squatty potty that I had to use on a train. Next time I travel via train I vow to never drink water during my 6 hours and to always, always get the bottom bird.