Crumbling Wall

I built up my defenses like a mighty fortress. For the first time I felt strong, I mean strong. I was ready for anything. That was my first mistake: over confidence. Have you ever felt like the wall above? Being attacked in life in so many different areas by the enemy and just everyday situations that the defensive wall is just crumbling down and falling apart so fast you don’t have a clue how or where to start the repairs? I mean how do you even pray when you are in that kind of a constant state of disrepair, constantly running from one crack to another crumble to another dislodge brick to another crisis putting out another fire? How do you ask for help and cry out when you don’t even know where to start or what to ask for?

You start to feel as if what’s the point? I got to the point where I was saying a phrase that will shock most of you and offend a few of you to your core #HML which stands for H.A.T.E M.Y. L.I.F.E yes folks we reached the point where I was pretty sure I was going to have tee shirts made. I even had people wanting to join the bandwagon and I know I had a VP, possibly a secretary and treasurer ready and willing in the wings. The club would have been beautiful and I’m pretty sure the selling of the tee shirts alone would have helped me with some of my financial issues. And yet I felt that this can’t be right. As a Christian why do I #HML so much in this moment that I want to quit.

Needless to say I was relating quite a bit to Job. Going so far in my relating and we are homies and my brother from another mother relating rant to cursing the day I was born. Wondering how can this be happening to me?

I mean there are many days I go from crying out why, why, why, why, why in a huddled mess of this

trying so hard to pull it together making it through an hour to the car only to end up doing this

I mean come on I feel that I am barely hanging on at times there are days when it is 

The one thing I had going for me that my homie Job didn’t is I had the Word of God in front of me which should provide some sort of relief among all this pain and confusion right?

WRONG

If anything all it did was add to it. I mean instead of peace like a river I found out that God could let me drown. Let that sink for a second. Should He want to and should it align with His plan He could and would let me drown to further His kingdom. I ain’t got no peace now. 

In fact there are numerous times when He did just that. Remember Job? What about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego for those who aren’t quite up to date on their Sunday School stories those guys were thrown into a furnace to prove their loyalty and the part that I think most of us forget b/c hey the story is awesome is this little quote before they go into the fiery pit of doom… (Daniel 3:17-18) “If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand, but even if he does not, we want you to know…” The key point is but even if he does not… see folks God can go nope not going to today why? Because it would benefit the kingdom more for me not to interfere than to interfere. Also remember that in order to mold something from gold already formed you have to MELT it down in order to REFINE it. MELT IT DOWN PEOPLE in order to remold it into something beautiful.  Still not convinced let me put it this way

With Job he let him drown COMPLETELY until the very end then poof everything was fine and Job was reimbursed 10 times what he started with. With the 3 boys above he didn’t even let that happen he let them walk around in a fire that killed 2 guards who dared open the doors instantly. So see he could let me get to the point of drowning and throw me a life jacket so that I can scream from the top of my lungs How great thou art and how wonderful things turned out… or He could decide to allow me to continue to drown so that when He rescues me from death I will do exactly what I said above after He restores me.

This leads me back to the crumbling wall above. So here I am with my crumbling wall of life surrounding me. Personally, professionally, spiritually, mentally I am crumbling the enemy is attacking me on all fronts. I found myself saying out loud 3 times “I’m worth more financially dead than alive”. This was the enemy trying to convince me of something that will not happen for I still have work to do. That being said it showed me just how many cracks, crumbles and weaknesses have happened in my walls. How desperate I am getting. How smart the enemy's attacks are becoming. The wall is crumbling and I am a mess. Sitting on the ground I am crying out “Abba Abba please help me. Restore my wall, protect my heart, hear my pleas I need protection, I need strength, guidance and rest. But most of all Father I need you back in my fortress to help shore up these walls do not allow the enemy to destroy them”.