So I didn't get it...

I didn't get the internship, I was so certain; I was supposed to have... It was a humbling moment. Still is. I won't lie the news didn't land well and in fact I'm still spinning from it. I found myself on my knees crying out why? I thought I had done everything you asked Lord. Didn't I? I went through all the hoops, I turned in all the paperwork, and I told everyone it was in your hands. I even explained I felt that you were the one sending me. After all this wasn't a vacation spot.

And yet I didn't get it...

Now what? Where do I go from here? What do I say when people ask? How do I say it without feeling like I somehow failed not only myself but, You Lord? How do I tell people that I wasn't good enough?

Or was it You, were You the one who said no? If so why?

I never got that answer still don't know why God chose for me not to go with IJM over to India. I have no idea what His plans are. I know that Satan has tried to mess with me. The enemy has played with my mind; he is bringing up past failures, mistakes and is trying to whisper words of destruction in my ear. The sad part I've been trying to fight him alone for a week now. I’ve tried for a week to deny that I am in fact hurt, angry slightly and scared. I have no idea what to do now.

I changed my major to be an online student for the next year thinking I was going to India. I have not enrolled in any Counseling classes for this reason. I was so certain that God was sending me. I even arranged financial aid around this. I even met the nicest lady ever on campus who spent a solid hour with me helping me to connect with another student in India, and to arrange my FA as well as classes. And it all fit perfectly, worked out so that I could still get all my Bible classes done and graduate by Spring 2014 while doing a year in India.

And yet I didn't get it.

Tonight I prayed actually I swallowed my very LARGE amount of PRIDE and asked my mother to pray over me. I was so lost and confused, angry and hurt, not sure where to turn and the whispers of the enemy was getting louder. It was getting so loud that I couldn't hear God.

You know what? She did, she prayed over me and during that pray I felt the peace of God wash down on me. Peace I haven't felt since I got the notice last week. I am still faithful and reassured that the Lord, My God has this. He is in control and will work this out for HIS glory not mine. I am victorious in God. My God who loves me more than anyone and when He is ready I will go and I will know that this is the true path He has set for me.

Please continue in pray and THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for the prayers I have received to this point. I am going to continue down this journey and I hope you will continue with me as I share how God has opened up not only heart but my mind to His wonderful plans.

This is not the end. For MY GOD has a great plan for me! A plan to prosper His kingdom and a hope that He will use me!

Waiting on the Lord...

Psalm 62:5

Patiently wait for God alone, my soul! For he is the one who gives me confidence.

Isaiah 30:18

Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!

I'm starting to see a theme when it comes to waiting. I am doing it A LOT waiting recently. I am also seeing a pattern when it comes to being tempted when one is waiting. Hold fast and be strong in the Lord because the enemy knows your weaknesses is something new I have recently learned. The enemy knows when you are wavering and he knows where to strike to get you to fall fast. You see the enemy has been watching me (us, you) since we were born. He's had years to study us and knows where we are weak. He knows our past and he knows where to strike us first and hard. Every time I get in a position where I have to wait on the Lord and have faith is when the enemy rears his ugly head and begins the attack.

Just when I think that I have it all together or as close as I can do on my own is when I realize I don't.

Just when I think for sure this time I am going to do better, I fail.

Just when I think I got this I don't need to study the Bible, pray, or just sit and be in the presence of the Lord, is when I realize I don't have this.

Just when I think that for sure this time is going to be different he laughs and throws a new curve ball at me.

I AM DONE WITH IT. I won't fall for it any longer and I will not put up with it. I am tired of running around in circles in my head. It's scary in there that's where all the lies, half-truths and scars are. Every time I allow myself to dwell too long on my own thoughts or linger for a moment over thinking something is when I fall. And sadly that's what's been happening to me this last week. I was told that I should know for sure about India by last Friday and at the absolute latest this Friday. So what started happening on Wednesday? I started to panic. I hadn't heard anything what could that mean? Then the panic slowly turned to depression. Well obviously I am not ready so the Lord must have found someone better. My depression quickly turned into a well I don't care anyway mood.

And I promise you this happened in the span of 24 hours. I went to bed nervous woke up with no fingernails (I apparently chewed them in my sleep) and by the time I went to dinner the next night with friends I had already spiraled down that far, that quick, and the worst part was I didn't recognize it for what it was.

It was an attack and I allowed it to happen because I believed the lies, the scars, and the half-truths that are still in my head. The lies about how could God love me when no man does. I mean my own husband ran away to someone else why would God stay with me? The lie that I wasn't good enough to keep a job, a man, a good friend, my father in my life so why would I be good enough for God to send me on such an important mission. The lie that I am a failure at most things in life I mean I can't even keep up a basic exercise or diet routine how could I possibly succeed in India when I fail at such easy stuff here?

LIES all LIES!

Something that I have heard, misinterpreted, overheard, believed, allowed to be told to me, let warp into my daily thoughts. But, they are all lies. Whether or not I go to India doesn't affect God's love for me. Whether or not I am picked for this time doesn't mean that he still doesn't have great plans for me in the future. No matter what my future holds I know it is good, and full of blessings. For he knows the plans He has for me. Plans to prosper and bless not to harm ~ Jeremiah 29:11 

There is a reason Paul told us to Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong ~ 1 Corinthians 16:13. He told us this as a warning. The moment you accept Christ as your Savior and leader, the moment you put your faith and trust in Him. The enemy will attack and the enemy knows you better than anyone. After all he's had 31 years to study me and he knew where to hit immediately. So here I stand in front of you letting you know I am now on my guard, I am standing firm in my faith in the Lord and I plan to be the strongest woman of courage I can be knowing that God has my back. If you are in a waiting period remember to plant your feet and stand strong. Remember to know the enemy is the one that wants you to fail and waver but, if you cry out to God He not only hears you He will rescue you He promises us that.

Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. ~ Isaiah 58:9

To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill. Selah ~ Psalm 3:4

He said: "In my distress I called to the LORD, and he answered me. From the depths of the grave I called for help, and you listened to my cry ~ Jonah 2:2

In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears. ~ Psalm 18:6

2nd Interview

So I was contacted bright and early Friday morning for my second interview. It was good I think... She asked a lot of questions, I felt like I didn't answer them correctly, she described the situation better of what I will be doing, where I would live, and what I could expect if I get the position. Then she told me it was Friday at 6pm there so I would not hear back until next week.
I seriously nearly laughed out loud at her. Again I am in the waiting period LOL can you believe it? I told my dear friend D that it is just like the government, hurry up and wait. But, then I remembered how I was last time I was in this period and I decided nope, not going to happen again. I REFUSE to let it happen this time. So I have moved on...

Sort of (you can train an old dog, but it still goes back to nature ;-) Any who I am still doing everything I did before this started. Only now I am also sitting back and preparing myself to be amazed. So all those who are still praying for me PLEASE continue. All those who haven't started yet I would appreciate them. Otherwise I will continue to study, read, pray and be with my friends and family. And when I hear you will be one of the first to know.