So I didn't get it...

I didn't get the internship, I was so certain; I was supposed to have... It was a humbling moment. Still is. I won't lie the news didn't land well and in fact I'm still spinning from it. I found myself on my knees crying out why? I thought I had done everything you asked Lord. Didn't I? I went through all the hoops, I turned in all the paperwork, and I told everyone it was in your hands. I even explained I felt that you were the one sending me. After all this wasn't a vacation spot.

And yet I didn't get it...

Now what? Where do I go from here? What do I say when people ask? How do I say it without feeling like I somehow failed not only myself but, You Lord? How do I tell people that I wasn't good enough?

Or was it You, were You the one who said no? If so why?

I never got that answer still don't know why God chose for me not to go with IJM over to India. I have no idea what His plans are. I know that Satan has tried to mess with me. The enemy has played with my mind; he is bringing up past failures, mistakes and is trying to whisper words of destruction in my ear. The sad part I've been trying to fight him alone for a week now. I’ve tried for a week to deny that I am in fact hurt, angry slightly and scared. I have no idea what to do now.

I changed my major to be an online student for the next year thinking I was going to India. I have not enrolled in any Counseling classes for this reason. I was so certain that God was sending me. I even arranged financial aid around this. I even met the nicest lady ever on campus who spent a solid hour with me helping me to connect with another student in India, and to arrange my FA as well as classes. And it all fit perfectly, worked out so that I could still get all my Bible classes done and graduate by Spring 2014 while doing a year in India.

And yet I didn't get it.

Tonight I prayed actually I swallowed my very LARGE amount of PRIDE and asked my mother to pray over me. I was so lost and confused, angry and hurt, not sure where to turn and the whispers of the enemy was getting louder. It was getting so loud that I couldn't hear God.

You know what? She did, she prayed over me and during that pray I felt the peace of God wash down on me. Peace I haven't felt since I got the notice last week. I am still faithful and reassured that the Lord, My God has this. He is in control and will work this out for HIS glory not mine. I am victorious in God. My God who loves me more than anyone and when He is ready I will go and I will know that this is the true path He has set for me.

Please continue in pray and THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for the prayers I have received to this point. I am going to continue down this journey and I hope you will continue with me as I share how God has opened up not only heart but my mind to His wonderful plans.

This is not the end. For MY GOD has a great plan for me! A plan to prosper His kingdom and a hope that He will use me!