Never Alone: Life Lesson 101

So crumbling walls aside there is a lesson admits all the turmoil. A lesson I quickly forget. During the times of crisis and crying, stumbling around like a chicken with her head cut off, and putting out fires, I found myself wondering Where Is GOD? I mean come on, haven’t I done everything right? Even in these crisis I am still in my Word, I am still praying. I am trying to “Be Still and know He is God” (Psalm 46:10)

I am listening and looking waiting for that “Still quiet voice” (1 Kings 19:12) 

and yet NOTHING IS COMING? It’s hard not to get frustrated. It’s even more difficult to not wonder where God is when all of this is happening. Here you are suffering and fighting an enemy unseen, if you can even figure out that you are fighting the enemy it may take you a few minutes, days, even weeks to realize that this is not only a physical battle but a spiritual one. Yet there is no partner in the chaos or at least there doesn’t appear to be one. It feels as if you are fighting these fires, reassembling your crumbling wall, wiping your blood, sweat and tears all alone. But are you?

The lesson that I forget and have forgotten amongst this last bout of chaos was this

“

When you pass through the waters (not if but when this is very important to remember), I WILL BE WITH YOU;

               And when you pass through the rivers (again not if but when),

They will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire (again not if but when and the whole fire metaphor we talked about in the last blog post plays a role here)

You will not be burned; (Remember Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego if not go back to Daniel 9 because their story comes up here);

                              The flames will not set you ablaze.

               For I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD,

                              The HOLY ONE OF ISRAEL Your SAVIOR

What a beautiful reminder that Isaiah 43:2-3 gives us. A reminder that I have never been alone. And let me tell you when He wants to teach this lovely wayward child a lesson boy does He. Sometimes I think I go through these stages and God doesn’t speak or answer my cries because He already has. This is nothing new for me. I have already done this panic, this lesson, this crisis. I have done this stage where I have been attacked on this sort of level numerous times before. The difference this time is God was silent and I was scared. I was scared and felt alone and instead of relying on my faith, trust and knowledge of him I panicked and didn’t know what to do so I allowed the enemy to play, for only a moment. But oh what a moment it was. And when we allow the enemy a second, a moment, a millisecond to play he will and when he gets a pinky toe in to our minds or our lives to play the damage he can do with that millisecond and pinky toe brings us to our knees.

God never left me. He never forsake me, He was never far from me. HE WAS ALWAYS WITH ME right there beside me waiting. The whole time I was running around in a whirlwind trying to put out fires he was right beside me waiting on me to notice him and take peace in His calm. To take those moments I was “attempting” to be still and actually be still while basking in his presences. And yes though He may have needed that moment for me to be refined in the fires or drowned to be washed cleaned he still was right beside me ready and willing to listen, talk, and share in my fears, tears, and anger. All I had to do was look around and see not just with my eyes but with my heart. The one thing that this child forgets to use a lot.  For as the apostle Paul likes to remind us in Titus (a lovely book that I think we overlook a lot) “God, who does not lie” – Titus 1:2 And if God does not lie then when he told me in Isaiah that he is with me through the waters and the fire you had better believe that He was there the whole time. And when I felt that I was alone through the crisis and journey and He was silent He was STILL RIGHT THERE BESIDE ME RUNNING AROUND WITH ME JUST WAITING FOR ME TO TAKE NOTICE. 

The picture below reminds me so much of what I got through on a daily bases. 

Take heart precious one and know that God has never left you or forsaken you He has never left. He is still there amidst the turmoil waiting on you to notice him. Waiting on you to be still in the fire and the storm to hear his still small voice. For he was not in the fire that he spoke it was in the whisper of the gentle wind. (1 King 19:12)

Crumbling Wall

I built up my defenses like a mighty fortress. For the first time I felt strong, I mean strong. I was ready for anything. That was my first mistake: over confidence. Have you ever felt like the wall above? Being attacked in life in so many different areas by the enemy and just everyday situations that the defensive wall is just crumbling down and falling apart so fast you don’t have a clue how or where to start the repairs? I mean how do you even pray when you are in that kind of a constant state of disrepair, constantly running from one crack to another crumble to another dislodge brick to another crisis putting out another fire? How do you ask for help and cry out when you don’t even know where to start or what to ask for?

You start to feel as if what’s the point? I got to the point where I was saying a phrase that will shock most of you and offend a few of you to your core #HML which stands for H.A.T.E M.Y. L.I.F.E yes folks we reached the point where I was pretty sure I was going to have tee shirts made. I even had people wanting to join the bandwagon and I know I had a VP, possibly a secretary and treasurer ready and willing in the wings. The club would have been beautiful and I’m pretty sure the selling of the tee shirts alone would have helped me with some of my financial issues. And yet I felt that this can’t be right. As a Christian why do I #HML so much in this moment that I want to quit.

Needless to say I was relating quite a bit to Job. Going so far in my relating and we are homies and my brother from another mother relating rant to cursing the day I was born. Wondering how can this be happening to me?

I mean there are many days I go from crying out why, why, why, why, why in a huddled mess of this

trying so hard to pull it together making it through an hour to the car only to end up doing this

I mean come on I feel that I am barely hanging on at times there are days when it is 

The one thing I had going for me that my homie Job didn’t is I had the Word of God in front of me which should provide some sort of relief among all this pain and confusion right?

WRONG

If anything all it did was add to it. I mean instead of peace like a river I found out that God could let me drown. Let that sink for a second. Should He want to and should it align with His plan He could and would let me drown to further His kingdom. I ain’t got no peace now. 

In fact there are numerous times when He did just that. Remember Job? What about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego for those who aren’t quite up to date on their Sunday School stories those guys were thrown into a furnace to prove their loyalty and the part that I think most of us forget b/c hey the story is awesome is this little quote before they go into the fiery pit of doom… (Daniel 3:17-18) “If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand, but even if he does not, we want you to know…” The key point is but even if he does not… see folks God can go nope not going to today why? Because it would benefit the kingdom more for me not to interfere than to interfere. Also remember that in order to mold something from gold already formed you have to MELT it down in order to REFINE it. MELT IT DOWN PEOPLE in order to remold it into something beautiful.  Still not convinced let me put it this way

With Job he let him drown COMPLETELY until the very end then poof everything was fine and Job was reimbursed 10 times what he started with. With the 3 boys above he didn’t even let that happen he let them walk around in a fire that killed 2 guards who dared open the doors instantly. So see he could let me get to the point of drowning and throw me a life jacket so that I can scream from the top of my lungs How great thou art and how wonderful things turned out… or He could decide to allow me to continue to drown so that when He rescues me from death I will do exactly what I said above after He restores me.

This leads me back to the crumbling wall above. So here I am with my crumbling wall of life surrounding me. Personally, professionally, spiritually, mentally I am crumbling the enemy is attacking me on all fronts. I found myself saying out loud 3 times “I’m worth more financially dead than alive”. This was the enemy trying to convince me of something that will not happen for I still have work to do. That being said it showed me just how many cracks, crumbles and weaknesses have happened in my walls. How desperate I am getting. How smart the enemy's attacks are becoming. The wall is crumbling and I am a mess. Sitting on the ground I am crying out “Abba Abba please help me. Restore my wall, protect my heart, hear my pleas I need protection, I need strength, guidance and rest. But most of all Father I need you back in my fortress to help shore up these walls do not allow the enemy to destroy them”.