Monday, September 10, 2012

Love

Why is loving ourselves always the hardest thing we can do? Why and how can we expect people to love us when half of the time we can’t stand ourselves? The other half we spending wondering why we are not prettier, skinny, funnier, smarter (not sure that is even a word); more popular, richer or even just appreciate by so and so more. Why is loving ourselves so hard?
I struggle with this and as a Christian woman I struggle with it more than I should. Theoretically I know that I am created by a loving God who has fearfully and wonderfully made me. He knows the hairs on my head; he planned me from the beginning of time. He died for the sins that I have and will commit. And yet he still formed me knowing all these faults. He loves me enough to send His only son to die for those sins and yet… it is hard some days to just love me.
It’s not that I think that I am ugly or stupid. Heck I happen to think I am a very pretty, pretty princess. I know that I can take care of myself. I am independent and know that I can and will survive at all cost. I am a fighter for those I love and those who need a fighter. I try to reach out to anyone who is hurting. I currently read numerous books and articles to stay up on interesting facts. (Sometimes those facts and tidbits are only interesting to me but, hey at least I stay up on them). I like to think that I have a good sense of humor and I love to make people laugh even at my own expense and yet still I find myself wondering why would anyone love me?
Or here’s the one the enemy LOVES to throw at me when I am really feeling low. Why would any man want me? Who wants the funny, semi-cute princess who reads? Or, or this one is great… a man like that would never date anyone like you.
Yeah have that running around in your head 24 hours a day or every time a cute guy walks by. Even better when you are actually having a decent conversation with a man and then you hear the whisper men like this don’t date fat girls like you. EVERY BLOODY TIME
It’s a miracle that I have survived this long with the semi intact self-esteem I have. Thankfully I have a WONDERFUL support system that when I hear that talk I instantly call, text, or email a quick HELP ME I need prayers being attacked message and they all jump in. Between their prayers, my mother’s prayers, and me on my knees the enemy is thrown away. Until the next time that is.
So why do I allow him to keep getting the upper hand? My parents were and currently are wonderful they always and still do tell me how pretty, smart, funny and creative I am. I have friends who literally will kick my butt (I’m talking about you D & M) when I start getting down on myself. I have a fantastic brother who always tells me that it’s the men that are intimidated by me (LOVE you B) and yet the enemy still has a foot hold in this one aspect of my life.
I’d like to tell you that it was b/c of my divorce. It has to be b/c my husband and best friend left me for someone else who was prettier, skinny and well shit just better at athletic stuff. And yet while that is part of it I know for a fact it isn’t the whole story. Hell I suffered from this LONG before the cheating even before the dating of said ex…
I honestly believe that in order to have other people you have to love yourself. Completely and fully to embrace everything about you that you fear others might not like. To own up to your secret geek, or your super comic book collection or hell own up to the fact you have a CRAP ton of shoes that you DON’T EVER wear. Whatever secret it is that you are ashamed of or embarrassed by own it. If you feel fat (like I do EVERY DARN DAY) they own it. I’m not saying that you should go out there in super tight fitting clothing and flaunt it. So what if you don’t look like Kate Moss (I don’t even know if she is still cool) so what if you don’t look like an air brushed model that really doesn’t look like a normal person. And on that topic what woman have you met in your life who said with complete confidence “I love the way I look” and you really believed her? What I am saying is admit it to yourself that you are fat and work on it. Don’t kill yourself by working out every day (or by jumping in and doing Insanity after sitting on your butt for a year) but start doing something. Even if it is walking one day a week or playing Xbox for an hour dancing but, do something so that when the enemy throws that at you… you will have a response.
If you feel stupid own it and admit it. So what if you don’t know politics? Who cares and if they do then why are you hanging out with them? Who cares if you don’t know physics hell everything I know about the topic I learned from Big Bang Theory or Eureka and yet somehow everyone seems to think that I’m smart.
Needless to say this is supposed to be a pep talk for not only you but for me. You see we were all made fearfully and wonderfully. We were all designed in the image of God and planned from before we were conceived. We were chosen to be a part of something great. We were made to have a purpose and a future full of hope and blessings. This is not our home this is not our final resting place. It does not matter if we are fat, stupid, black, white, tan, smart, pretty, rich, funny or famous. What matters is what we do for the one person who made us and loves us for who we are in Him.
So when I am feeling really down or the enemy has a good hold on me I SHOUT. I promise you I literally SHOUT out that I am loved, I am cherished and My God not only thinks I am beautiful the way I am but, He has great plans for me. When He looks down He says “This is my daughter, the one I love and the one I am proud of.”
I believe that every time I fight the enemy and every time I fall in love with the transformation that God has done in me He looks down and smiles. Knowing that joke that no one laughed at was funny to Him. After all who do you think gave me this sense of humor (you know He laughs right along with me and thought it was hilarious)
End point and lesson I swear. YOU are LOVED, YOU are CHERISHED, and YOU were CREATED for a greater purpose. 
 
 
 If you struggle with this and want to talk about it privately I am always up for listening! Feel free to email me!

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