Squatty potties and dirty feet... it explains so much

Warning the following is not for the faint at heart or stomach....

Alright ladies let's discuss the bathroom situation over here in India and why I thank God daily that I can hold my bladder for upwards of 8 hours when needed. Healthy no and I will remedy this when I get back to the good Old US of A, but in the mean time I will hold it as long as it takes to get to a clean western style toilet unless I am absolutely certain I won't find one between point A and point B.

Now you have read the train story I'm sure if not you can read it here first then come back I'll wait. What I left out of that lovely adventure is the picture above AKA the dreaded squatty potties that all trains and most places in India have. Now the few that do have a Western style potty do not stock toilet paper. So it is almost pointless to go to them unless you enjoy being sprayed by water that would put a fireman's hose to shame. Or you learn how to use a cup that has water in it. Of course you can always carry your own toilet paper which is in fact what I have chosen to do here during my stay. I never leave home without! Whose says you have to be a boy scout to always be prepared? My mad toilet skillz would amaze you at best shock you at worse, but I'll leave that up to you to decide as we progress.

So one learns to carry (to quote LOTRs) "my precious" toilet paper everywhere one goes. The train is no exception. Let me walk you through a typical train ride... after one holds their bladder for as long as one can you slowly wiggle your way out of the middle bird, drop down from the top bird or simply stand from the bottom bird (see now you understand why I covet the bottom bird) and slowly make your way through the narrow walk ways to get to the potty that you share with a thousand other people currently on board and who have travelled before you. Cause I'm betting they don't clean the potty at all EVER... (I told you, you have been warned)

As you make your way down to the potty you read a sign that says please do not flush when at station... as you determine why that is you walk into a suspiciously wet floor that is in a small room slightly bigger than an airplane bathroom but a whole lot dirtier. You look down and see a hole in the floor and two skid plates where your feet should go. There is a handle bar to help you squat and to hold on to as the train is a rockin back and forth. There is also a very dirty looking cup filled with what I am only hoping is water.

Now the goal of this is to not get your pants, kurta, dupatta, feet or any part of your body wet with well you know. So you go ahead and roll up your jeans to at least the tops of your knees. You then proceed to place your feet where the anti-slip skids are. Then you squat whilst using the handle bar which happens to be on the left hand side (this is important as you will note that you never take anything from someone nor give anything to someone with your left hand. This is one of the many reason why. The other is due to not having toilet paper)

Now you are going to want to grab on tightly to that handle bar cause as I mentioned before the train is rocking back and forth (to and fro to and fro that's the way the wold rolls) Now once you are in a squat position you are going to need to aim for the hole. If you do not hit the hole you will spray your feet. I am not saying that I've done this or anything per say I'm just asking you to trust me on this little bit of free information. Aim men and Aim women if I knew everyone was aiming as good as me then I wouldn't question the wetness on the floor so much. Aiming is the key to using a squatty potty.

I hope during this whole time you have remembered your toilet paper. I hope you were smart enough to keep it under you chin because at this point digging it out of your pants is not going to happen and using that cup is very questionable. So memo to you always bring toilet paper and carry it under your chin. Next you have to remember while in India you will be wearing a kurta. That is a VERY LONG SHIRT that goes at least to your knees. It does have slits in the side to help but its still very long. So not only do you have to wrestle to keep your pants from touching the "wetness" on the floor you also have to prevent your kurta from touching anything or getting sprayed when you are squatting. 

Personally to help with this I tuck my kurta into my bra or up to my shoulders sometimes under my arms. Then I tie my lovely dupatta (another positive attitribute) around my middle to hold my kurta in place or to tuck my kurta into it or around my shoulder on one side. Either way it does help with the kurta dilemma you will face in this situation.

If you do happen to forget your toilet paper at any point you can use the cup usually beside the squatty potty. I would forgo it on a train but in other less questionable areas it is perfectly acceptable. Now you use the cup by either pouring it down or splashing it up. If you pick to splash it you forfeit your pants and everyone will know how much you struggled with cleaning yourself after using a squatty potty (again not from experience per say just a general observation *throat clears*) On a plus side if you do splash and forfeit your pants your feet become clean. However, you will have to squeak back to your seat/bird/car all while trying to pretend that the water was in fact from you "washing your feet on purpose" and not from missing with the cup and splashing your feet and jeans instead. Again no first hand knowledge of this per say.

Now that was simply a potty on the train if one must do the potty elsewhere like a village or a tourist location it is much easier, but please remember to take your toilet paper and look around. Some places demand you put the paper in a waste bin while others don't have a clue that you are even bringing it in. Also you might want to bring the toilet paper with you if you are visiting as a guest that way you just avoid the whole awkward situation in someone's home. I freely admit if you look in my purse at any given time you will see a roll of toilet paper that I carry with me everywhere I go.

Ladies you have been warned

Oh and PS antibacterial gel is a MUST and VERY handy in those moments after using the potty. Actually its just handy in general since most wash rooms don't have soap to begin with.