So I didn't get it...

I didn't get the internship, I was so certain; I was supposed to have... It was a humbling moment. Still is. I won't lie the news didn't land well and in fact I'm still spinning from it. I found myself on my knees crying out why? I thought I had done everything you asked Lord. Didn't I? I went through all the hoops, I turned in all the paperwork, and I told everyone it was in your hands. I even explained I felt that you were the one sending me. After all this wasn't a vacation spot.

And yet I didn't get it...

Now what? Where do I go from here? What do I say when people ask? How do I say it without feeling like I somehow failed not only myself but, You Lord? How do I tell people that I wasn't good enough?

Or was it You, were You the one who said no? If so why?

I never got that answer still don't know why God chose for me not to go with IJM over to India. I have no idea what His plans are. I know that Satan has tried to mess with me. The enemy has played with my mind; he is bringing up past failures, mistakes and is trying to whisper words of destruction in my ear. The sad part I've been trying to fight him alone for a week now. I’ve tried for a week to deny that I am in fact hurt, angry slightly and scared. I have no idea what to do now.

I changed my major to be an online student for the next year thinking I was going to India. I have not enrolled in any Counseling classes for this reason. I was so certain that God was sending me. I even arranged financial aid around this. I even met the nicest lady ever on campus who spent a solid hour with me helping me to connect with another student in India, and to arrange my FA as well as classes. And it all fit perfectly, worked out so that I could still get all my Bible classes done and graduate by Spring 2014 while doing a year in India.

And yet I didn't get it.

Tonight I prayed actually I swallowed my very LARGE amount of PRIDE and asked my mother to pray over me. I was so lost and confused, angry and hurt, not sure where to turn and the whispers of the enemy was getting louder. It was getting so loud that I couldn't hear God.

You know what? She did, she prayed over me and during that pray I felt the peace of God wash down on me. Peace I haven't felt since I got the notice last week. I am still faithful and reassured that the Lord, My God has this. He is in control and will work this out for HIS glory not mine. I am victorious in God. My God who loves me more than anyone and when He is ready I will go and I will know that this is the true path He has set for me.

Please continue in pray and THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for the prayers I have received to this point. I am going to continue down this journey and I hope you will continue with me as I share how God has opened up not only heart but my mind to His wonderful plans.

This is not the end. For MY GOD has a great plan for me! A plan to prosper His kingdom and a hope that He will use me!

Waiting on the Lord...

Psalm 62:5

Patiently wait for God alone, my soul! For he is the one who gives me confidence.

Isaiah 30:18

Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!

I'm starting to see a theme when it comes to waiting. I am doing it A LOT waiting recently. I am also seeing a pattern when it comes to being tempted when one is waiting. Hold fast and be strong in the Lord because the enemy knows your weaknesses is something new I have recently learned. The enemy knows when you are wavering and he knows where to strike to get you to fall fast. You see the enemy has been watching me (us, you) since we were born. He's had years to study us and knows where we are weak. He knows our past and he knows where to strike us first and hard. Every time I get in a position where I have to wait on the Lord and have faith is when the enemy rears his ugly head and begins the attack.

Just when I think that I have it all together or as close as I can do on my own is when I realize I don't.

Just when I think for sure this time I am going to do better, I fail.

Just when I think I got this I don't need to study the Bible, pray, or just sit and be in the presence of the Lord, is when I realize I don't have this.

Just when I think that for sure this time is going to be different he laughs and throws a new curve ball at me.

I AM DONE WITH IT. I won't fall for it any longer and I will not put up with it. I am tired of running around in circles in my head. It's scary in there that's where all the lies, half-truths and scars are. Every time I allow myself to dwell too long on my own thoughts or linger for a moment over thinking something is when I fall. And sadly that's what's been happening to me this last week. I was told that I should know for sure about India by last Friday and at the absolute latest this Friday. So what started happening on Wednesday? I started to panic. I hadn't heard anything what could that mean? Then the panic slowly turned to depression. Well obviously I am not ready so the Lord must have found someone better. My depression quickly turned into a well I don't care anyway mood.

And I promise you this happened in the span of 24 hours. I went to bed nervous woke up with no fingernails (I apparently chewed them in my sleep) and by the time I went to dinner the next night with friends I had already spiraled down that far, that quick, and the worst part was I didn't recognize it for what it was.

It was an attack and I allowed it to happen because I believed the lies, the scars, and the half-truths that are still in my head. The lies about how could God love me when no man does. I mean my own husband ran away to someone else why would God stay with me? The lie that I wasn't good enough to keep a job, a man, a good friend, my father in my life so why would I be good enough for God to send me on such an important mission. The lie that I am a failure at most things in life I mean I can't even keep up a basic exercise or diet routine how could I possibly succeed in India when I fail at such easy stuff here?

LIES all LIES!

Something that I have heard, misinterpreted, overheard, believed, allowed to be told to me, let warp into my daily thoughts. But, they are all lies. Whether or not I go to India doesn't affect God's love for me. Whether or not I am picked for this time doesn't mean that he still doesn't have great plans for me in the future. No matter what my future holds I know it is good, and full of blessings. For he knows the plans He has for me. Plans to prosper and bless not to harm ~ Jeremiah 29:11 

There is a reason Paul told us to Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong ~ 1 Corinthians 16:13. He told us this as a warning. The moment you accept Christ as your Savior and leader, the moment you put your faith and trust in Him. The enemy will attack and the enemy knows you better than anyone. After all he's had 31 years to study me and he knew where to hit immediately. So here I stand in front of you letting you know I am now on my guard, I am standing firm in my faith in the Lord and I plan to be the strongest woman of courage I can be knowing that God has my back. If you are in a waiting period remember to plant your feet and stand strong. Remember to know the enemy is the one that wants you to fail and waver but, if you cry out to God He not only hears you He will rescue you He promises us that.

Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. ~ Isaiah 58:9

To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill. Selah ~ Psalm 3:4

He said: "In my distress I called to the LORD, and he answered me. From the depths of the grave I called for help, and you listened to my cry ~ Jonah 2:2

In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears. ~ Psalm 18:6

2nd Interview

So I was contacted bright and early Friday morning for my second interview. It was good I think... She asked a lot of questions, I felt like I didn't answer them correctly, she described the situation better of what I will be doing, where I would live, and what I could expect if I get the position. Then she told me it was Friday at 6pm there so I would not hear back until next week.
I seriously nearly laughed out loud at her. Again I am in the waiting period LOL can you believe it? I told my dear friend D that it is just like the government, hurry up and wait. But, then I remembered how I was last time I was in this period and I decided nope, not going to happen again. I REFUSE to let it happen this time. So I have moved on...

Sort of (you can train an old dog, but it still goes back to nature ;-) Any who I am still doing everything I did before this started. Only now I am also sitting back and preparing myself to be amazed. So all those who are still praying for me PLEASE continue. All those who haven't started yet I would appreciate them. Otherwise I will continue to study, read, pray and be with my friends and family. And when I hear you will be one of the first to know.

Waiting

it's funny sometimes, how God works. Just when you think you know how he is going to do something, he pops up and surprises you. As you can see from my last post I was in a waiting position. I hadn't heard anything in a month, I was worried, and well to be frank in a foul mood. Once I realized what was happening I adjusted my attitude. I begin praying again. I started diving head first back into my Bible reading. Then I decided to just sit back and wait. No lie the very next morning I received this email...

Hello Sara,

I hope you are doing well.

This is to inform you that your application for the Aftercare Intern at IJM- Mumbai has been reviewed. Our Aftercare Director, would like to schedule a phone interview with you tomorrow Friday, June 1^st at 7:00 am your time (CDT) 5:30 pm our time IST. Please note we are10.5 hours ahead of the US- CDT.

Please let me know if this time works for you.

Update

So its been over a month since I was on here but I wanted to let everyone know where I am. I am currently no where... yeah take a second to process that. It appears that God would like to work on me in the patience and waiting periods of life. You know the period of life when it doesn't look like anything is happening so there can't possibly be anything happening right? WRONG...

I've been in this period before and every time I handle this period in a manner not pleasing so I vowed last time I was in this waiting period that I would do better. And well I haven't but I have. You see last time I was in this period I was depressed, bummed out, felt stuck (Beth Moore calls this being in a pit), I was angry, and well frustrated. This time I was all of that for about a week when it hit me what I was doing. So I recognized what was happening and am moving myself out of the pit. By doing that I am also moving myself forward and learning how to step in the God appropriate ways.

Does this mean the waiting period is over? No not even close but, what it does mean is that I am not alone. I recognize that God is still here, that he is still moving the pieces around and things are still happening. It means that I am still going to India at some point and that I still have growing to do. So while I am in this current waiting period I vow to continue to prepare for my mission whether in India or here at home. I will continue to pray and be still. I will continue to visit with family and friends letting them know where I am at this journey. I will continue to pray for those girls around the world and in my own backyard. And I will continue to trust in God.

1st Interview

Today I had the interview. I worked late last night and was in work SUPER early this morning I had given that I would be available during noon to 3p so that I could still do class. The interview was set up for 1p. Sure enough she called and I answered. During the interview it was actually an interview which was a little humble b/c I had understood that I had it. Also I had applied for a fellowship but she stated I didn’t qualify for that position but could go as an intern. Then she asked if I would be interested in going to Africa… seriously Africa? Uh no I hadn’t thought of that. But, do I tell her that or do I just sit back and trust God?

To this point all I have done is trust him so why am I so worried now? B/c it’s Africa… deep breath Sara. I told her that it wasn’t my first choice but, I was choosing to trust God and if that is where he wanted me then I would accept. She told me that it was great and would call me back on the week of May 7^th to let me know if I was going to get a second interview. Usually that interview would be done with the office that I would be stationed at. Also I learned that I would have to find my own apartment… yeah.

Oh and as a side note while in Group (which I was late to due to interview) I learned one of classmates lives in Washington DC important? Yes b/c I will have a week of training there either in June for July shipment or September for well September shipment. And it turns out Amber is VERY EXCITED that I thought of her and would love to offer her house for me to stay at. Plus she lives close to the subway/thingy that takes me to anywhere in the city. Oh and she would love to introduce me to Senators… yep you go ahead and try to tell me that God is not involved with this? Yeah didn’t think so…

My Journey to this point

Back in December 2011 mom pointed out to me how much as a kid I loved India and asked me why. I sat and thought about it and told her I always wanted to visit. So she suggested I talk to a friend of hers about a mission trip to India for a few weeks. I sat and thought about it and kind of blew it off. But, to appease her after telling Jess A (my hair stylist) she thought it was a good idea so I ended up calling the guy. Turns out he was sick and well I let it go. But, God wasn’t done with the thought and so he kept putting India to the front of my mind.

Eventually when in class one day I decided to talk to a man that I heard had been to India… or so I thought turns out Mark R. was a missionary to Pakistan but had visited India. That day he showed me different pictures he took gave me his photo information so I could look them up at home and mention the IJM (International Justice Mission) and how he had a friend that had helped out with raids on human traffickers there.

So off to the library I trekked only to realize that no studying would be done until I looked up the information Mark R had given me. From that moment it spiraled so fast. I started to tell people in order to make myself accountable (I’m a Jonah). Eventually I asked 2 friends to see if they would be my personal references. I then talked about it to a professor who agreed to be my professional reference without me even asking. I was too late to go in the summer so I went ahead and planned to head to India in September to be gone for a WHOLE year. And so the journey began.

Eventually I rec’d all the references and it was up to me to finish the application. Everyone I had told was faithful to ask me every time if not every other if I had filled out the application yet. So on April 15^th I sent the email with my application and all the attachments. Secure that I wouldn’t hear from them until May 15^th I went about my business. I did tell everyone I sent in the email and then on the 16^th I mailed off the references. By April 20^th I had an email telling me they wanted to set up a first interview for the program to see if I would be willing to go earlier. I was so excited I think everyone I know got a phone call, email or a Facebook message.

I responded to the email as fast as I could b/c I knew if I didn’t get the interview done on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday I would be out of town to Canada and it would be another week. So the interview was set for Tuesday.