Do you ever have moments like this...

There are somethings we do in life that I sit back and wonder what the heck was I thinking... I won't go into those decisions or actions at this time its a longer story for another day. I know some of you understand that sentence because at some point in all of our lives we've had that moment (or two as in my case). I say all that because many people have asked me why India...

All I can answer is I don't know. I have no idea why God has called me to India, to this mission, for 6 months. I have no idea why it was The 7sisters international organization that I am going to work with. I do not know anything that God has planned. All I know is that he is doing things I can't understand nor see at this time, but I believe that they are going to be great.

Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." John 13:7

You see I have failed many times in life. I have made many mistakes. I am not the prime example someone who should be sent on this work. I have a past, as do some of you reading this. I have things I am ashamed of, embarrassed to be associated with, and try on a regular basis to forget.  I know that the enemy likes to play and remind me of these things and heck he does a great job of reminding me that no one who knew me the way God does would ever want to send me to do this important work...

But then the voice of truth, light and love remind me that He does know me. He knows what I've done, He knows where I've come from, He knows my pains, hurts, bad choices, and regrets. Yet he still loves me. He still cares for me and He still wants nothing for me but a future of good and hope. And most importantly He chose me for this particular mission. I do not know what the future holds, I do not know what will happen in India. I have no idea what purpose I am going to fulfill by going. I know not what lies ahead. What I do know is that My God has control of this situation. He is with me always and will be by my side through it all. And that is what fills me with peace, hope and gives me the most comfort. So I am going to India to be amazed as I allow God to use me in any way He sees fit. After all He holds me in the palm of His hand and will never let me fall.

For those of you questioning if God could ever use you in His great plan read this and remember God calls those who He needs and then equips them with what they need to do the job.

One of God's great reminders that even with a past, regrets, or mistakes he can still use us after all:
Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rehab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murder
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
Peter denied Christ
The disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too Religious
Timothy had an ulcer
Lazarus was dead

So found out more about airplane tickets today

So apparently it will be a 3 day trip to get to Assam India...
I leave on a Monday and go to O'Hare from there to London England which I leave on that Monday night fly overnight to London so arrive on Tuesday at 10am. From there at 11a I leave for Delhi and arrive in Delhi at 1:25am then I leave at 8am to Guwahati which is my home destination on Wednesday at 10:30am.

I can honestly say I didn't image it would take 3 days to get there nor can I say that I planned on it costing me $1,029 bucks to get there one way...

needless to say I'm about 600 shy of that amount... But I am trusting God and refusing to get discouraged or panic. I REFUSE!!!

"In God I trust, I will not be afraid" Psalm 56:11

Come on God I need you to show off for me in a BIG way!

If you feel like God is calling you to help you can donate here:
http://www.youcaring.com/mission-trip-fundraiser/Counseling-Human-Trafficking-Victims/28755

Or email me at saraibrown@hotmail.com and I will let you know my address for checks.
Otherwise please keep me in your prayers I need all the prayers I can get at this time!

Whew its been crazy

Sorry everyone that I have been off the map for so long! I got the news about India during the time I had midterms, then Thanksgiving happened and now well finals are next week!

To be honest I haven't had much time to think about India and what it means to God and myself. Nor have I had time to process exactly what India will be like, what I need to pack, getting a ticket, shots or insurance...

And to be quite frank I'm freaking out. I have some donations and I need to set up a bank account, I have to get a phone and people are asking if there will be a going away party. For those who are wanting to come we will be having a going away, birthday, and fundraising party on the same night b/c that's how I roll.

I am aiming for January 12th the last absolutely last day I can get tickets so I am hoping that I raise enough money by then to at least have my plane tickets. Otherwise I am pushed back another week...

Normally that alone would be enough to freak me out, but the one thing I have learned from this whole experience is this will happen on God's time not mine. And His time is perfect! So I am waiting and sitting back trying to pass school so that my WHOLE attention can be on India next week and from that moment on.

THANK YOU ALL for all the continual support and prayers! I love you and still need them so please, please, please keep me on your church prayer chains, in your personal prayers, and know that I appreciate everything you are all doing to help me keep doing what I've been told to do for the kingdom of God!

 



I do promise you more updates once finals are done! Pinky swear ;)

How to help me in Assam!

Alright guys you asked for it and here it is: A way that you can help me help victims. The letter has come in and it is official I am going to Assam India for 6 months in January. So here's what your money will go for:

Airplane tickets: round trip will cost me $2,500
Shots that I need to enter the country: $1,500 or so b/c insurance won't pay for it
Visa cost: $200
Insurance while I am overseas in case of anything: 1,200 (for the whole 6 months)
Room and Board plus the stuff that goes with it: 3,000 for the whole 6 months
Food and any extras that may come up: 1800 (for the whole 6 months)

I also know that prices change and things may end up being cheaper or more expensive as the trip goes. Anything left over will go to the organization hosting me. For more information on the 7 Sisters organization head here: http://7sistersinternational.org/ This is a fantastic organization and I am truly blessed to be able to help them in any way.

Any and all is welcomed especially if you would keep me in your prayers! Thank you all and as promised I will keep you all updated on my progress!

Also you can make any donations on line here: http://www.youcaring.com/fundraiser_details?url=counselinghumantraffickingvictims&fundraiser_id=13796&fb_action_ids=10200101047313950&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=aggregation&fb_aggregation_id=288381481237582 or you can send a check to me if you have any questions just shoot me off an email and I would be happy to answer!

So waiting on me

You know how sometimes it is easier to blame God for why things aren't moving faster... well at this junction I don't have much to blame God for. In fact at this point I need to start looking at myself when it comes to no movement. I am, apparently, the main reason that I am not moving forward in anything.
I still have a lot to do in order to get to India and sadly everything that needs to be done is something that Sarai has to do... plain and simple. This time I wonder if God's not going, "come on sweetheart I'm waiting for you to take the next step before I can move... any day now..."
LOL and yet here I sit waiting for some miracle to occur I know that I'm the one hindering that. Sometimes you have to do action in order for God to react. This situation reminds me of one of my favorite jokes.

A man living a house saw the flood waters rising. He waited until the house started flooding a man in a row boat came by and told him to get in he would take him to safety. The man said no I'm waiting on the Lord to save me. The waters continued to rise until the 2nd story was flooded. Another man came by in a motorboat and told the man get in and I will take you to shore. The man responded no thank you I am waiting on the Lord. Finally the waters got so high the man was forced onto the roof. A helicopter lowered a ladder and told the man climb up and I will take you to safety. The man said no that he was waiting on the Lord. The flood waters continued to rise and the man drowned. When he got to heaven he asked God "why didn't you save me I was waiting on you?" God answered, "I sent you a rowboat, a motor boat and a helicopter what else did you expect."

Sometimes God waits on us to accept the help and in my current situation He has laid everything out for me and is now waiting on me to complete my end of the deal. So this week I have the goals of getting done the 10 things on my to do list in order to go to India. Please keep me in prayers and wish me luck as I attempt to tame the list

Love part 2

So yesterday I wrote about how hard it is to love yourself, to realize that you are wonderfully and fearfully made. That God who formed you did so knowing all your sins (ones you have already committed and those still to be committed.) He planned you from the beginning of time and knew what great things would happen for His kingdom through you.

All those times you’ve cried He’s held very tear. Every time you screamed He heard. Every time you’ve fallen to your knees and cried out He was sitting right beside you rubbing your back. Yet still we all suffer doubt and lack of confidence that we are loved and cherished.

With those thoughts swimming in my head last night I prayed to God to help me understand why my confidence is so shaky now. Why is the enemy attacking that area of my life at this moment? Then it hit me that I am going to need confidence these next few days, weeks or months for something big. What for I'm not sure but, obviously I need confidence. That was a light bulb moment for me.

Then I woke up to this verse this morning on my phone. Hebrews 10:35-36 à So do not throw away your confidenceß Key phrase I have been suffering from the lack of confidence in myself as a chosen daughter of God. After all isn’t self-esteem our version of confidence? The lack of self-esteem is the lack of confidence or faith in us and the lack of faith or trust in God?

The next part of the verse states à It will be richly rewardedß The way I read this do not throw away your confidence in Christ or your faith in what He is doing in your life. For that confidence in Christ will be richly rewarded.

What is the reward you ask well the next verse à36 you need to persevere/endure so that when you have done the Will of God you will receive what HE has promised you.ß I take this to mean that if I put God first and His will for my life first that he will follow through on His promise which is àfor yet in a very little while He who is coming will come and will not delayß He has promised us that this is not our home, that this suffering, this loneliness and sadness will pass. For one day He is coming back and when He does all of us who have endured in our faith will be received into the place where no pain can find us.

Do not loose heart, do not give up your faith endure through the hardships. Don’t listen to the enemy. Don’t believe that hateful voice that lives in your head telling you half-truths and lies. Instead turn and listen to Christ as He whispers how much He loves you and you will feel fulfilled. Too many times we have been told by others and the world that in order to be happy we must buy into the latest and greatest methods. We need the newest shoes, the best computer, the latest gadget, the nicest vehicle, or the best vacation. When really all we need to be happy and satisfied on this Earth is Christ Jesus. Remember all that he has done for you so that you can be richly rewarded.

Please remember that this IS NOT YOUR HOME. This place of hurt, anger, sadness and ugliness is a temporary place full of nothing but hardships and trials with a glimpse of happiness. But, it is not permanent God is coming and He is going to relieve the pain. He is going to replace the loneliness, He is going to heal the broken hearted and wipe every tear from our face.

Where we are going it won’t matter what we owned, how we dressed, how many people liked us. What will matter is if you kept the faith, fought the good fight and remained strong in your love of God (2 Timothy 4:7 paraphrasing).

Love

Why is loving ourselves always the hardest thing we can do? Why and how can we expect people to love us when half of the time we can’t stand ourselves? The other half we spending wondering why we are not prettier, skinny, funnier, smarter (not sure that is even a word); more popular, richer or even just appreciate by so and so more. Why is loving ourselves so hard?

I struggle with this and as a Christian woman I struggle with it more than I should. Theoretically I know that I am created by a loving God who has fearfully and wonderfully made me. He knows the hairs on my head; he planned me from the beginning of time. He died for the sins that I have and will commit. And yet he still formed me knowing all these faults. He loves me enough to send His only son to die for those sins and yet… it is hard some days to just love me.

It’s not that I think that I am ugly or stupid. Heck I happen to think I am a very pretty, pretty princess. I know that I can take care of myself. I am independent and know that I can and will survive at all cost. I am a fighter for those I love and those who need a fighter. I try to reach out to anyone who is hurting. I currently read numerous books and articles to stay up on interesting facts. (Sometimes those facts and tidbits are only interesting to me but, hey at least I stay up on them). I like to think that I have a good sense of humor and I love to make people laugh even at my own expense and yet still I find myself wondering why would anyone love me?

Or here’s the one the enemy LOVES to throw at me when I am really feeling low. Why would any man want me? Who wants the funny, semi-cute princess who reads? Or, or this one is great… a man like that would never date anyone like you.

Yeah have that running around in your head 24 hours a day or every time a cute guy walks by. Even better when you are actually having a decent conversation with a man and then you hear the whisper men like this don’t date fat girls like you. EVERY BLOODY TIME

It’s a miracle that I have survived this long with the semi intact self-esteem I have. Thankfully I have a WONDERFUL support system that when I hear that talk I instantly call, text, or email a quick HELP ME I need prayers being attacked message and they all jump in. Between their prayers, my mother’s prayers, and me on my knees the enemy is thrown away. Until the next time that is.

So why do I allow him to keep getting the upper hand? My parents were and currently are wonderful they always and still do tell me how pretty, smart, funny and creative I am. I have friends who literally will kick my butt (I’m talking about you D & M) when I start getting down on myself. I have a fantastic brother who always tells me that it’s the men that are intimidated by me (LOVE you B) and yet the enemy still has a foot hold in this one aspect of my life.

I’d like to tell you that it was b/c of my divorce. It has to be b/c my husband and best friend left me for someone else who was prettier, skinny and well shit just better at athletic stuff. And yet while that is part of it I know for a fact it isn’t the whole story. Hell I suffered from this LONG before the cheating even before the dating of said ex…

I honestly believe that in order to have other people you have to love yourself. Completely and fully to embrace everything about you that you fear others might not like. To own up to your secret geek, or your super comic book collection or hell own up to the fact you have a CRAP ton of shoes that you DON’T EVER wear. Whatever secret it is that you are ashamed of or embarrassed by own it. If you feel fat (like I do EVERY DARN DAY) they own it. I’m not saying that you should go out there in super tight fitting clothing and flaunt it. So what if you don’t look like Kate Moss (I don’t even know if she is still cool) so what if you don’t look like an air brushed model that really doesn’t look like a normal person. And on that topic what woman have you met in your life who said with complete confidence “I love the way I look” and you really believed her? What I am saying is admit it to yourself that you are fat and work on it. Don’t kill yourself by working out every day (or by jumping in and doing Insanity after sitting on your butt for a year) but start doing something. Even if it is walking one day a week or playing Xbox for an hour dancing but, do something so that when the enemy throws that at you… you will have a response.

If you feel stupid own it and admit it. So what if you don’t know politics? Who cares and if they do then why are you hanging out with them? Who cares if you don’t know physics hell everything I know about the topic I learned from Big Bang Theory or Eureka and yet somehow everyone seems to think that I’m smart.

Needless to say this is supposed to be a pep talk for not only you but for me. You see we were all made fearfully and wonderfully. We were all designed in the image of God and planned from before we were conceived. We were chosen to be a part of something great. We were made to have a purpose and a future full of hope and blessings. This is not our home this is not our final resting place. It does not matter if we are fat, stupid, black, white, tan, smart, pretty, rich, funny or famous. What matters is what we do for the one person who made us and loves us for who we are in Him.

So when I am feeling really down or the enemy has a good hold on me I SHOUT. I promise you I literally SHOUT out that I am loved, I am cherished and My God not only thinks I am beautiful the way I am but, He has great plans for me. When He looks down He says “This is my daughter, the one I love and the one I am proud of.”

I believe that every time I fight the enemy and every time I fall in love with the transformation that God has done in me He looks down and smiles. Knowing that joke that no one laughed at was funny to Him. After all who do you think gave me this sense of humor (you know He laughs right along with me and thought it was hilarious)
End point and lesson I swear. YOU are LOVED, YOU are CHERISHED, and YOU were CREATED for a greater purpose.  

 

 If you struggle with this and want to talk about it privately I am always up for listening! Feel free to email me!

Faith

It’s funny to me the way God works. He does things that seem so logical after the fact yet during the middle of the storm seem almost unrecognizable.

Sometimes our thoughts become so diluted we forget who God really is. By forgetting who He is we expect Him to act and think like us. After all He created us so why wouldn’t He think like us? He promised to grant us the desires of our heart.(Psalm 37:4) Yet He doesn’t in a way we understand and when He doesn’t respond in a way in which we desire we get angry, confused, frightened, and frustrated. The whole time we are pouting and shouting God is working out the finest of details to bring us the best blessings. Sometimes we get so tied up in the BIG picture that we forget to get what we desire He has to work out the small details. Sometimes the one desire we have in our hearts is so massive that it takes time and sometimes our desires rely on another person to be ready.

When we demand that God do things on our time table we are basically telling Him you can’t handle this so let the expert take over…

Think about that. WE declare that WE know better than the Creator of the Universe. WE know better than the Lord of all, “who knew US before we were formed in the womb.” (Jeremiah 1:5) When we take over or try to solve the problem are we not just laughing at the word faith that we
throw around?

After all as Christians can we really describe what faith is? Is it a movement? A thought? A feeling? Is it something that if a person asked you to describe in one sentence you could? Or is faith something that you feel something that you know deep down you have. And when is faith acted out in trust or in walking by it. If you walk by faith (2 Corinthians 5:7) do you never question the Lord or do you question Him in quiet and silent wonder if He really is listening?

How many times have you question Lord “do you really hear me when I cry out to you?” I know David told us I cried out to you Lord and you heard my pleas (Psalm 17:6). But, Lord do you hear mine? If so how come you haven’t answered me yet? How come I can never hear you? And please those of you out there getting ready to say be still and know I am God (Psalm 46:10) don’t. I know that it has become one of those phrases that are over used. I KNOW I need to be still and listen but, sometimes I also need to cry out and ask for peace. Sometimes I just need to know that He heard me.

 

Sometimes I just need reassurance. Or is that all part of faith? Is it part of the walking with God and trusting that even though in this very moment I may not understand I know that He is still working? That He holds me in His hand and won’t let me go (John 10:28). Maybe by just simply repeating this I can remember all those times when I looked back and saw that everything was done in His time to His perfect glory and now it all makes sense.

Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me
Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do
Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace
Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)
Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)
I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith
I will, I will, I will walk by faith
Walk by Faith By Jeremy Camp

Now that I am able to calm down

I wanted to share with you some pictures from Chicago. Now keep in mind I was in a pretty okay part of town but, nothing great and I happened to stumble upon the  most beautiful garden I have ever seen. I swear that when I was walking in it I was with God. I seriously know that this is what God's garden will look like in heaven and it will be even more beautiful there!

See how utterly wonderful it was?

Open and Shut Doors

It's so funny the expression "when one door closes another one opens" has been in my head for over a week now. Some of you may have heard by now, because I was SO excited, that God has opened a new door for me.
A couple of months ago I was a little down because my door to India had been closed. (Not just shut gently but SLAMMED shut by God) It was a very confusing time for me. I had been so certain that India was where God was leading me to go. I wasn't sure why but, I knew that it was there. Then out of the blue I received an email that said "at this time we have decided not to go with your application for IJM"
Wow talk about a humbling moment. And in a true human form I pouted, shouted, and cried. Then like a true daughter I asked God why? and instead of an answer he gave me peace on it. It just wasn't my time or place.
I accepted that this wasn't my time. So I rushed back to school and re-enrolled as a Counseling student. I changed over my FA and made sure that everyone knew I would be in classes on the 21st. I was excited about being back in class and learning more about what God had in store for me.

Before all that about 6 months ago, when I was certain I was going to India, I had planned a trip to Chicago to sit back, fast and pray. In hopes of preparing myself for the mission work ahead. Then with India off the table I struggled with if I should or shouldn't go to Chicago.
After much debate mom told me to go and like a good daughter I listened ;-) I know, I know first time for everything.

The problem I had no idea what I was going to pray and fast about. I mean I had issues and the basic stuff to pray over but, I was going specifically to find out about India. Three days before Chicago I got a call from the other organization (seven sisters) I had expressed an interest in during my, gun-ho apply to anything that has to do with, India days. The lady told me that she was needing a counselor...
Did you catch that she needed a COUNSELOR to help with victims of sex trafficking... the field I wanted to go into all along. The area I felt God was truly calling me to help with. And here she was laying an opportunity at my feet. I could go at any time, I could stay as long as I wanted, I could do my internship there or I could just do mission it was up to me.

OMG I left for joy was ready to shout but, then I grounded myself and remembered that I had a trip to Chicago coming up and maybe, just maybe this was what the WHOLE trip was for.
During my days in Chicago I prayed and I heard many, many wonderful words from God. I had peace and joy that I am not sure I have ever had. I learned to trust and pray to him and in him. That was hands down the BEST experience I have ever had.
Needless to say I called Janice back and let her know after much prayers I feel that God was calling me to go with her to India.

So with a whoop and a laughter Janice told me that God had answered her prayers and that I was the missing link they needed for the home. And wanted to know when I could go LOL !!! Just like that the door opened and it is now the time for me to GO WHERE HE LEADS ME and for now it looks like that is India.

So thank you for those of you that have continued to pray for me to see where the journey God had planned would lead. As of today and in this moment He has plans for me in India. Please continue to pray that more doors would be open (including fundraising) and more of His plans would come to life.
Thank you,
Sara

Stuck

I understand the feelings of being stuck. I’m there right now. It might not seem like it but, I feel utter useless for the Kingdom. I feel stuck. I know where I want to be and I’m pretty sure that is aligning with where God wants me. I mean so far he hasn’t popped up any red flags or anything and yet… I feel stuck. This is the time of my life where I have the fire, the burning need and desire to serve Christ and yet I sit at home in my basement wondering now what?

Even though I have made the plans, I have enrolled; I have picked the classes, prayed over possible ministries, asked God yet again now what? I am still here in this place waiting. I am hoping the plan is to start doing more of the counseling stuff this fall by freeing up my schedule to be able to serve Him better and yet that hasn't necessarily aligned itself either.

I have all this energy and pinned up desire to serve somewhere, some place, somehow that I almost feel desperately stuck and not going anywhere due to lack of response. I keep yelling out to God, “here I am Lord, send me!” and all I keep hearing back is *chirp, chirp, chirp* and utter silence. I know this is not a reflection on me or at least I hope it isn’t a reflection on me. But, in these moments sometimes it feels so hard to talk to Him to understand that He has this. Sometimes when I pray and call out I get nothing and that is even more frustrating. Yet I have to remember that it is all in good time. That he knows me better than anyone.

The other day I rec’d this letter from a great and dear friend. I attempted to read it to my mom but, in the process ended up crying like a baby. It’s a letter from God to us His child. In that letter it reminds us of how much God loves us. Even when we are frustrated, sick, angry, or hurt he still loves us and is still working in our lives to bring us closer to him.

My Child,

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you.
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book.
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live.
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love.
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father.
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you.
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart.
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes.
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you.
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you.
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me.
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…
Will you be my child?
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.
Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad
Almighty God

If you want a copy of the letter you can get one here

I still get teary eyed when I read that letter. And even though I am stuck right now I know that this is an opportunity I can either use to better myself and prepare myself for His work or I can choose to sit back and pout wondering why I am not doing more.

My time will come and in fact to be honest I image my time is now it’s just doing things I don’t immediately see the response of. Instead of feeling stuck because my time isn’t more obvious to me maybe I should be focused on receiving God’s love and mercy now in this moment. After all He did give the ultimate gift: Life, His Son and His love

Urban Plunge

So today I did my training for Urban Plunge at Hope Center. I am very excited about this opportunity to work with youth. This organization helps youth from across the nation come in and work in the Urban (city) environment. Many of these kids are sheltered or come from small towns. The hope of this organization is to help kids see that they have a great opportunity for the kingdom. That if they listen to God they can be called to do something wonderful even as a 12yr up to a 31 yr old ;-)

Today I watched a group from Michigan leaving after spending a whole weekend living in a homeless shelter, feeding the homeless, working them one on one, sharing God with the homeless, and just helping the community of KC in general. These young people were so full of happiness and excitement. Many can't wait to come back while others feel that they didn't want to leave at all. I have a feeling we will be seeing a few of them in the future again!

Praise God for this wonderful opportunity this summer to work for his kingdom helping teenagers learn about those in need.

To learn more about this organization go to: http://www.urbanplunge.com/
The places where I will be taking the youth are listed: here

So I didn't get it...

I didn't get the internship, I was so certain; I was supposed to have... It was a humbling moment. Still is. I won't lie the news didn't land well and in fact I'm still spinning from it. I found myself on my knees crying out why? I thought I had done everything you asked Lord. Didn't I? I went through all the hoops, I turned in all the paperwork, and I told everyone it was in your hands. I even explained I felt that you were the one sending me. After all this wasn't a vacation spot.

And yet I didn't get it...

Now what? Where do I go from here? What do I say when people ask? How do I say it without feeling like I somehow failed not only myself but, You Lord? How do I tell people that I wasn't good enough?

Or was it You, were You the one who said no? If so why?

I never got that answer still don't know why God chose for me not to go with IJM over to India. I have no idea what His plans are. I know that Satan has tried to mess with me. The enemy has played with my mind; he is bringing up past failures, mistakes and is trying to whisper words of destruction in my ear. The sad part I've been trying to fight him alone for a week now. I’ve tried for a week to deny that I am in fact hurt, angry slightly and scared. I have no idea what to do now.

I changed my major to be an online student for the next year thinking I was going to India. I have not enrolled in any Counseling classes for this reason. I was so certain that God was sending me. I even arranged financial aid around this. I even met the nicest lady ever on campus who spent a solid hour with me helping me to connect with another student in India, and to arrange my FA as well as classes. And it all fit perfectly, worked out so that I could still get all my Bible classes done and graduate by Spring 2014 while doing a year in India.

And yet I didn't get it.

Tonight I prayed actually I swallowed my very LARGE amount of PRIDE and asked my mother to pray over me. I was so lost and confused, angry and hurt, not sure where to turn and the whispers of the enemy was getting louder. It was getting so loud that I couldn't hear God.

You know what? She did, she prayed over me and during that pray I felt the peace of God wash down on me. Peace I haven't felt since I got the notice last week. I am still faithful and reassured that the Lord, My God has this. He is in control and will work this out for HIS glory not mine. I am victorious in God. My God who loves me more than anyone and when He is ready I will go and I will know that this is the true path He has set for me.

Please continue in pray and THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for the prayers I have received to this point. I am going to continue down this journey and I hope you will continue with me as I share how God has opened up not only heart but my mind to His wonderful plans.

This is not the end. For MY GOD has a great plan for me! A plan to prosper His kingdom and a hope that He will use me!

Waiting on the Lord...

Psalm 62:5

Patiently wait for God alone, my soul! For he is the one who gives me confidence.

Isaiah 30:18

Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!

I'm starting to see a theme when it comes to waiting. I am doing it A LOT waiting recently. I am also seeing a pattern when it comes to being tempted when one is waiting. Hold fast and be strong in the Lord because the enemy knows your weaknesses is something new I have recently learned. The enemy knows when you are wavering and he knows where to strike to get you to fall fast. You see the enemy has been watching me (us, you) since we were born. He's had years to study us and knows where we are weak. He knows our past and he knows where to strike us first and hard. Every time I get in a position where I have to wait on the Lord and have faith is when the enemy rears his ugly head and begins the attack.

Just when I think that I have it all together or as close as I can do on my own is when I realize I don't.

Just when I think for sure this time I am going to do better, I fail.

Just when I think I got this I don't need to study the Bible, pray, or just sit and be in the presence of the Lord, is when I realize I don't have this.

Just when I think that for sure this time is going to be different he laughs and throws a new curve ball at me.

I AM DONE WITH IT. I won't fall for it any longer and I will not put up with it. I am tired of running around in circles in my head. It's scary in there that's where all the lies, half-truths and scars are. Every time I allow myself to dwell too long on my own thoughts or linger for a moment over thinking something is when I fall. And sadly that's what's been happening to me this last week. I was told that I should know for sure about India by last Friday and at the absolute latest this Friday. So what started happening on Wednesday? I started to panic. I hadn't heard anything what could that mean? Then the panic slowly turned to depression. Well obviously I am not ready so the Lord must have found someone better. My depression quickly turned into a well I don't care anyway mood.

And I promise you this happened in the span of 24 hours. I went to bed nervous woke up with no fingernails (I apparently chewed them in my sleep) and by the time I went to dinner the next night with friends I had already spiraled down that far, that quick, and the worst part was I didn't recognize it for what it was.

It was an attack and I allowed it to happen because I believed the lies, the scars, and the half-truths that are still in my head. The lies about how could God love me when no man does. I mean my own husband ran away to someone else why would God stay with me? The lie that I wasn't good enough to keep a job, a man, a good friend, my father in my life so why would I be good enough for God to send me on such an important mission. The lie that I am a failure at most things in life I mean I can't even keep up a basic exercise or diet routine how could I possibly succeed in India when I fail at such easy stuff here?

LIES all LIES!

Something that I have heard, misinterpreted, overheard, believed, allowed to be told to me, let warp into my daily thoughts. But, they are all lies. Whether or not I go to India doesn't affect God's love for me. Whether or not I am picked for this time doesn't mean that he still doesn't have great plans for me in the future. No matter what my future holds I know it is good, and full of blessings. For he knows the plans He has for me. Plans to prosper and bless not to harm ~ Jeremiah 29:11 

There is a reason Paul told us to Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong ~ 1 Corinthians 16:13. He told us this as a warning. The moment you accept Christ as your Savior and leader, the moment you put your faith and trust in Him. The enemy will attack and the enemy knows you better than anyone. After all he's had 31 years to study me and he knew where to hit immediately. So here I stand in front of you letting you know I am now on my guard, I am standing firm in my faith in the Lord and I plan to be the strongest woman of courage I can be knowing that God has my back. If you are in a waiting period remember to plant your feet and stand strong. Remember to know the enemy is the one that wants you to fail and waver but, if you cry out to God He not only hears you He will rescue you He promises us that.

Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. ~ Isaiah 58:9

To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill. Selah ~ Psalm 3:4

He said: "In my distress I called to the LORD, and he answered me. From the depths of the grave I called for help, and you listened to my cry ~ Jonah 2:2

In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears. ~ Psalm 18:6