So waiting on me

You know how sometimes it is easier to blame God for why things aren't moving faster... well at this junction I don't have much to blame God for. In fact at this point I need to start looking at myself when it comes to no movement. I am, apparently, the main reason that I am not moving forward in anything.
I still have a lot to do in order to get to India and sadly everything that needs to be done is something that Sarai has to do... plain and simple. This time I wonder if God's not going, "come on sweetheart I'm waiting for you to take the next step before I can move... any day now..."
LOL and yet here I sit waiting for some miracle to occur I know that I'm the one hindering that. Sometimes you have to do action in order for God to react. This situation reminds me of one of my favorite jokes.

A man living a house saw the flood waters rising. He waited until the house started flooding a man in a row boat came by and told him to get in he would take him to safety. The man said no I'm waiting on the Lord to save me. The waters continued to rise until the 2nd story was flooded. Another man came by in a motorboat and told the man get in and I will take you to shore. The man responded no thank you I am waiting on the Lord. Finally the waters got so high the man was forced onto the roof. A helicopter lowered a ladder and told the man climb up and I will take you to safety. The man said no that he was waiting on the Lord. The flood waters continued to rise and the man drowned. When he got to heaven he asked God "why didn't you save me I was waiting on you?" God answered, "I sent you a rowboat, a motor boat and a helicopter what else did you expect."

Sometimes God waits on us to accept the help and in my current situation He has laid everything out for me and is now waiting on me to complete my end of the deal. So this week I have the goals of getting done the 10 things on my to do list in order to go to India. Please keep me in prayers and wish me luck as I attempt to tame the list

Love part 2

So yesterday I wrote about how hard it is to love yourself, to realize that you are wonderfully and fearfully made. That God who formed you did so knowing all your sins (ones you have already committed and those still to be committed.) He planned you from the beginning of time and knew what great things would happen for His kingdom through you.

All those times you’ve cried He’s held very tear. Every time you screamed He heard. Every time you’ve fallen to your knees and cried out He was sitting right beside you rubbing your back. Yet still we all suffer doubt and lack of confidence that we are loved and cherished.

With those thoughts swimming in my head last night I prayed to God to help me understand why my confidence is so shaky now. Why is the enemy attacking that area of my life at this moment? Then it hit me that I am going to need confidence these next few days, weeks or months for something big. What for I'm not sure but, obviously I need confidence. That was a light bulb moment for me.

Then I woke up to this verse this morning on my phone. Hebrews 10:35-36 à So do not throw away your confidenceß Key phrase I have been suffering from the lack of confidence in myself as a chosen daughter of God. After all isn’t self-esteem our version of confidence? The lack of self-esteem is the lack of confidence or faith in us and the lack of faith or trust in God?

The next part of the verse states à It will be richly rewardedß The way I read this do not throw away your confidence in Christ or your faith in what He is doing in your life. For that confidence in Christ will be richly rewarded.

What is the reward you ask well the next verse à36 you need to persevere/endure so that when you have done the Will of God you will receive what HE has promised you.ß I take this to mean that if I put God first and His will for my life first that he will follow through on His promise which is àfor yet in a very little while He who is coming will come and will not delayß He has promised us that this is not our home, that this suffering, this loneliness and sadness will pass. For one day He is coming back and when He does all of us who have endured in our faith will be received into the place where no pain can find us.

Do not loose heart, do not give up your faith endure through the hardships. Don’t listen to the enemy. Don’t believe that hateful voice that lives in your head telling you half-truths and lies. Instead turn and listen to Christ as He whispers how much He loves you and you will feel fulfilled. Too many times we have been told by others and the world that in order to be happy we must buy into the latest and greatest methods. We need the newest shoes, the best computer, the latest gadget, the nicest vehicle, or the best vacation. When really all we need to be happy and satisfied on this Earth is Christ Jesus. Remember all that he has done for you so that you can be richly rewarded.

Please remember that this IS NOT YOUR HOME. This place of hurt, anger, sadness and ugliness is a temporary place full of nothing but hardships and trials with a glimpse of happiness. But, it is not permanent God is coming and He is going to relieve the pain. He is going to replace the loneliness, He is going to heal the broken hearted and wipe every tear from our face.

Where we are going it won’t matter what we owned, how we dressed, how many people liked us. What will matter is if you kept the faith, fought the good fight and remained strong in your love of God (2 Timothy 4:7 paraphrasing).

Love

Why is loving ourselves always the hardest thing we can do? Why and how can we expect people to love us when half of the time we can’t stand ourselves? The other half we spending wondering why we are not prettier, skinny, funnier, smarter (not sure that is even a word); more popular, richer or even just appreciate by so and so more. Why is loving ourselves so hard?

I struggle with this and as a Christian woman I struggle with it more than I should. Theoretically I know that I am created by a loving God who has fearfully and wonderfully made me. He knows the hairs on my head; he planned me from the beginning of time. He died for the sins that I have and will commit. And yet he still formed me knowing all these faults. He loves me enough to send His only son to die for those sins and yet… it is hard some days to just love me.

It’s not that I think that I am ugly or stupid. Heck I happen to think I am a very pretty, pretty princess. I know that I can take care of myself. I am independent and know that I can and will survive at all cost. I am a fighter for those I love and those who need a fighter. I try to reach out to anyone who is hurting. I currently read numerous books and articles to stay up on interesting facts. (Sometimes those facts and tidbits are only interesting to me but, hey at least I stay up on them). I like to think that I have a good sense of humor and I love to make people laugh even at my own expense and yet still I find myself wondering why would anyone love me?

Or here’s the one the enemy LOVES to throw at me when I am really feeling low. Why would any man want me? Who wants the funny, semi-cute princess who reads? Or, or this one is great… a man like that would never date anyone like you.

Yeah have that running around in your head 24 hours a day or every time a cute guy walks by. Even better when you are actually having a decent conversation with a man and then you hear the whisper men like this don’t date fat girls like you. EVERY BLOODY TIME

It’s a miracle that I have survived this long with the semi intact self-esteem I have. Thankfully I have a WONDERFUL support system that when I hear that talk I instantly call, text, or email a quick HELP ME I need prayers being attacked message and they all jump in. Between their prayers, my mother’s prayers, and me on my knees the enemy is thrown away. Until the next time that is.

So why do I allow him to keep getting the upper hand? My parents were and currently are wonderful they always and still do tell me how pretty, smart, funny and creative I am. I have friends who literally will kick my butt (I’m talking about you D & M) when I start getting down on myself. I have a fantastic brother who always tells me that it’s the men that are intimidated by me (LOVE you B) and yet the enemy still has a foot hold in this one aspect of my life.

I’d like to tell you that it was b/c of my divorce. It has to be b/c my husband and best friend left me for someone else who was prettier, skinny and well shit just better at athletic stuff. And yet while that is part of it I know for a fact it isn’t the whole story. Hell I suffered from this LONG before the cheating even before the dating of said ex…

I honestly believe that in order to have other people you have to love yourself. Completely and fully to embrace everything about you that you fear others might not like. To own up to your secret geek, or your super comic book collection or hell own up to the fact you have a CRAP ton of shoes that you DON’T EVER wear. Whatever secret it is that you are ashamed of or embarrassed by own it. If you feel fat (like I do EVERY DARN DAY) they own it. I’m not saying that you should go out there in super tight fitting clothing and flaunt it. So what if you don’t look like Kate Moss (I don’t even know if she is still cool) so what if you don’t look like an air brushed model that really doesn’t look like a normal person. And on that topic what woman have you met in your life who said with complete confidence “I love the way I look” and you really believed her? What I am saying is admit it to yourself that you are fat and work on it. Don’t kill yourself by working out every day (or by jumping in and doing Insanity after sitting on your butt for a year) but start doing something. Even if it is walking one day a week or playing Xbox for an hour dancing but, do something so that when the enemy throws that at you… you will have a response.

If you feel stupid own it and admit it. So what if you don’t know politics? Who cares and if they do then why are you hanging out with them? Who cares if you don’t know physics hell everything I know about the topic I learned from Big Bang Theory or Eureka and yet somehow everyone seems to think that I’m smart.

Needless to say this is supposed to be a pep talk for not only you but for me. You see we were all made fearfully and wonderfully. We were all designed in the image of God and planned from before we were conceived. We were chosen to be a part of something great. We were made to have a purpose and a future full of hope and blessings. This is not our home this is not our final resting place. It does not matter if we are fat, stupid, black, white, tan, smart, pretty, rich, funny or famous. What matters is what we do for the one person who made us and loves us for who we are in Him.

So when I am feeling really down or the enemy has a good hold on me I SHOUT. I promise you I literally SHOUT out that I am loved, I am cherished and My God not only thinks I am beautiful the way I am but, He has great plans for me. When He looks down He says “This is my daughter, the one I love and the one I am proud of.”

I believe that every time I fight the enemy and every time I fall in love with the transformation that God has done in me He looks down and smiles. Knowing that joke that no one laughed at was funny to Him. After all who do you think gave me this sense of humor (you know He laughs right along with me and thought it was hilarious)
End point and lesson I swear. YOU are LOVED, YOU are CHERISHED, and YOU were CREATED for a greater purpose.  

 

 If you struggle with this and want to talk about it privately I am always up for listening! Feel free to email me!

Faith

It’s funny to me the way God works. He does things that seem so logical after the fact yet during the middle of the storm seem almost unrecognizable.

Sometimes our thoughts become so diluted we forget who God really is. By forgetting who He is we expect Him to act and think like us. After all He created us so why wouldn’t He think like us? He promised to grant us the desires of our heart.(Psalm 37:4) Yet He doesn’t in a way we understand and when He doesn’t respond in a way in which we desire we get angry, confused, frightened, and frustrated. The whole time we are pouting and shouting God is working out the finest of details to bring us the best blessings. Sometimes we get so tied up in the BIG picture that we forget to get what we desire He has to work out the small details. Sometimes the one desire we have in our hearts is so massive that it takes time and sometimes our desires rely on another person to be ready.

When we demand that God do things on our time table we are basically telling Him you can’t handle this so let the expert take over…

Think about that. WE declare that WE know better than the Creator of the Universe. WE know better than the Lord of all, “who knew US before we were formed in the womb.” (Jeremiah 1:5) When we take over or try to solve the problem are we not just laughing at the word faith that we
throw around?

After all as Christians can we really describe what faith is? Is it a movement? A thought? A feeling? Is it something that if a person asked you to describe in one sentence you could? Or is faith something that you feel something that you know deep down you have. And when is faith acted out in trust or in walking by it. If you walk by faith (2 Corinthians 5:7) do you never question the Lord or do you question Him in quiet and silent wonder if He really is listening?

How many times have you question Lord “do you really hear me when I cry out to you?” I know David told us I cried out to you Lord and you heard my pleas (Psalm 17:6). But, Lord do you hear mine? If so how come you haven’t answered me yet? How come I can never hear you? And please those of you out there getting ready to say be still and know I am God (Psalm 46:10) don’t. I know that it has become one of those phrases that are over used. I KNOW I need to be still and listen but, sometimes I also need to cry out and ask for peace. Sometimes I just need to know that He heard me.

 

Sometimes I just need reassurance. Or is that all part of faith? Is it part of the walking with God and trusting that even though in this very moment I may not understand I know that He is still working? That He holds me in His hand and won’t let me go (John 10:28). Maybe by just simply repeating this I can remember all those times when I looked back and saw that everything was done in His time to His perfect glory and now it all makes sense.

Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me
Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do
Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace
Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)
Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)
I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith
I will, I will, I will walk by faith
Walk by Faith By Jeremy Camp

Now that I am able to calm down

I wanted to share with you some pictures from Chicago. Now keep in mind I was in a pretty okay part of town but, nothing great and I happened to stumble upon the  most beautiful garden I have ever seen. I swear that when I was walking in it I was with God. I seriously know that this is what God's garden will look like in heaven and it will be even more beautiful there!

See how utterly wonderful it was?

Open and Shut Doors

It's so funny the expression "when one door closes another one opens" has been in my head for over a week now. Some of you may have heard by now, because I was SO excited, that God has opened a new door for me.
A couple of months ago I was a little down because my door to India had been closed. (Not just shut gently but SLAMMED shut by God) It was a very confusing time for me. I had been so certain that India was where God was leading me to go. I wasn't sure why but, I knew that it was there. Then out of the blue I received an email that said "at this time we have decided not to go with your application for IJM"
Wow talk about a humbling moment. And in a true human form I pouted, shouted, and cried. Then like a true daughter I asked God why? and instead of an answer he gave me peace on it. It just wasn't my time or place.
I accepted that this wasn't my time. So I rushed back to school and re-enrolled as a Counseling student. I changed over my FA and made sure that everyone knew I would be in classes on the 21st. I was excited about being back in class and learning more about what God had in store for me.

Before all that about 6 months ago, when I was certain I was going to India, I had planned a trip to Chicago to sit back, fast and pray. In hopes of preparing myself for the mission work ahead. Then with India off the table I struggled with if I should or shouldn't go to Chicago.
After much debate mom told me to go and like a good daughter I listened ;-) I know, I know first time for everything.

The problem I had no idea what I was going to pray and fast about. I mean I had issues and the basic stuff to pray over but, I was going specifically to find out about India. Three days before Chicago I got a call from the other organization (seven sisters) I had expressed an interest in during my, gun-ho apply to anything that has to do with, India days. The lady told me that she was needing a counselor...
Did you catch that she needed a COUNSELOR to help with victims of sex trafficking... the field I wanted to go into all along. The area I felt God was truly calling me to help with. And here she was laying an opportunity at my feet. I could go at any time, I could stay as long as I wanted, I could do my internship there or I could just do mission it was up to me.

OMG I left for joy was ready to shout but, then I grounded myself and remembered that I had a trip to Chicago coming up and maybe, just maybe this was what the WHOLE trip was for.
During my days in Chicago I prayed and I heard many, many wonderful words from God. I had peace and joy that I am not sure I have ever had. I learned to trust and pray to him and in him. That was hands down the BEST experience I have ever had.
Needless to say I called Janice back and let her know after much prayers I feel that God was calling me to go with her to India.

So with a whoop and a laughter Janice told me that God had answered her prayers and that I was the missing link they needed for the home. And wanted to know when I could go LOL !!! Just like that the door opened and it is now the time for me to GO WHERE HE LEADS ME and for now it looks like that is India.

So thank you for those of you that have continued to pray for me to see where the journey God had planned would lead. As of today and in this moment He has plans for me in India. Please continue to pray that more doors would be open (including fundraising) and more of His plans would come to life.
Thank you,
Sara

Stuck

I understand the feelings of being stuck. I’m there right now. It might not seem like it but, I feel utter useless for the Kingdom. I feel stuck. I know where I want to be and I’m pretty sure that is aligning with where God wants me. I mean so far he hasn’t popped up any red flags or anything and yet… I feel stuck. This is the time of my life where I have the fire, the burning need and desire to serve Christ and yet I sit at home in my basement wondering now what?

Even though I have made the plans, I have enrolled; I have picked the classes, prayed over possible ministries, asked God yet again now what? I am still here in this place waiting. I am hoping the plan is to start doing more of the counseling stuff this fall by freeing up my schedule to be able to serve Him better and yet that hasn't necessarily aligned itself either.

I have all this energy and pinned up desire to serve somewhere, some place, somehow that I almost feel desperately stuck and not going anywhere due to lack of response. I keep yelling out to God, “here I am Lord, send me!” and all I keep hearing back is *chirp, chirp, chirp* and utter silence. I know this is not a reflection on me or at least I hope it isn’t a reflection on me. But, in these moments sometimes it feels so hard to talk to Him to understand that He has this. Sometimes when I pray and call out I get nothing and that is even more frustrating. Yet I have to remember that it is all in good time. That he knows me better than anyone.

The other day I rec’d this letter from a great and dear friend. I attempted to read it to my mom but, in the process ended up crying like a baby. It’s a letter from God to us His child. In that letter it reminds us of how much God loves us. Even when we are frustrated, sick, angry, or hurt he still loves us and is still working in our lives to bring us closer to him.

My Child,

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you.
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book.
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live.
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love.
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father.
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you.
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart.
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes.
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you.
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you.
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me.
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…
Will you be my child?
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.
Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad
Almighty God

If you want a copy of the letter you can get one here

I still get teary eyed when I read that letter. And even though I am stuck right now I know that this is an opportunity I can either use to better myself and prepare myself for His work or I can choose to sit back and pout wondering why I am not doing more.

My time will come and in fact to be honest I image my time is now it’s just doing things I don’t immediately see the response of. Instead of feeling stuck because my time isn’t more obvious to me maybe I should be focused on receiving God’s love and mercy now in this moment. After all He did give the ultimate gift: Life, His Son and His love