Never Alone: Life Lesson 101

So crumbling walls aside there is a lesson admits all the turmoil. A lesson I quickly forget. During the times of crisis and crying, stumbling around like a chicken with her head cut off, and putting out fires, I found myself wondering Where Is GOD? I mean come on, haven’t I done everything right? Even in these crisis I am still in my Word, I am still praying. I am trying to “Be Still and know He is God” (Psalm 46:10)

I am listening and looking waiting for that “Still quiet voice” (1 Kings 19:12) 

and yet NOTHING IS COMING? It’s hard not to get frustrated. It’s even more difficult to not wonder where God is when all of this is happening. Here you are suffering and fighting an enemy unseen, if you can even figure out that you are fighting the enemy it may take you a few minutes, days, even weeks to realize that this is not only a physical battle but a spiritual one. Yet there is no partner in the chaos or at least there doesn’t appear to be one. It feels as if you are fighting these fires, reassembling your crumbling wall, wiping your blood, sweat and tears all alone. But are you?

The lesson that I forget and have forgotten amongst this last bout of chaos was this

“

When you pass through the waters (not if but when this is very important to remember), I WILL BE WITH YOU;

               And when you pass through the rivers (again not if but when),

They will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire (again not if but when and the whole fire metaphor we talked about in the last blog post plays a role here)

You will not be burned; (Remember Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego if not go back to Daniel 9 because their story comes up here);

                              The flames will not set you ablaze.

               For I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD,

                              The HOLY ONE OF ISRAEL Your SAVIOR

What a beautiful reminder that Isaiah 43:2-3 gives us. A reminder that I have never been alone. And let me tell you when He wants to teach this lovely wayward child a lesson boy does He. Sometimes I think I go through these stages and God doesn’t speak or answer my cries because He already has. This is nothing new for me. I have already done this panic, this lesson, this crisis. I have done this stage where I have been attacked on this sort of level numerous times before. The difference this time is God was silent and I was scared. I was scared and felt alone and instead of relying on my faith, trust and knowledge of him I panicked and didn’t know what to do so I allowed the enemy to play, for only a moment. But oh what a moment it was. And when we allow the enemy a second, a moment, a millisecond to play he will and when he gets a pinky toe in to our minds or our lives to play the damage he can do with that millisecond and pinky toe brings us to our knees.

God never left me. He never forsake me, He was never far from me. HE WAS ALWAYS WITH ME right there beside me waiting. The whole time I was running around in a whirlwind trying to put out fires he was right beside me waiting on me to notice him and take peace in His calm. To take those moments I was “attempting” to be still and actually be still while basking in his presences. And yes though He may have needed that moment for me to be refined in the fires or drowned to be washed cleaned he still was right beside me ready and willing to listen, talk, and share in my fears, tears, and anger. All I had to do was look around and see not just with my eyes but with my heart. The one thing that this child forgets to use a lot.  For as the apostle Paul likes to remind us in Titus (a lovely book that I think we overlook a lot) “God, who does not lie” – Titus 1:2 And if God does not lie then when he told me in Isaiah that he is with me through the waters and the fire you had better believe that He was there the whole time. And when I felt that I was alone through the crisis and journey and He was silent He was STILL RIGHT THERE BESIDE ME RUNNING AROUND WITH ME JUST WAITING FOR ME TO TAKE NOTICE. 

The picture below reminds me so much of what I got through on a daily bases. 

Take heart precious one and know that God has never left you or forsaken you He has never left. He is still there amidst the turmoil waiting on you to notice him. Waiting on you to be still in the fire and the storm to hear his still small voice. For he was not in the fire that he spoke it was in the whisper of the gentle wind. (1 King 19:12)

Crumbling Wall

I built up my defenses like a mighty fortress. For the first time I felt strong, I mean strong. I was ready for anything. That was my first mistake: over confidence. Have you ever felt like the wall above? Being attacked in life in so many different areas by the enemy and just everyday situations that the defensive wall is just crumbling down and falling apart so fast you don’t have a clue how or where to start the repairs? I mean how do you even pray when you are in that kind of a constant state of disrepair, constantly running from one crack to another crumble to another dislodge brick to another crisis putting out another fire? How do you ask for help and cry out when you don’t even know where to start or what to ask for?

You start to feel as if what’s the point? I got to the point where I was saying a phrase that will shock most of you and offend a few of you to your core #HML which stands for H.A.T.E M.Y. L.I.F.E yes folks we reached the point where I was pretty sure I was going to have tee shirts made. I even had people wanting to join the bandwagon and I know I had a VP, possibly a secretary and treasurer ready and willing in the wings. The club would have been beautiful and I’m pretty sure the selling of the tee shirts alone would have helped me with some of my financial issues. And yet I felt that this can’t be right. As a Christian why do I #HML so much in this moment that I want to quit.

Needless to say I was relating quite a bit to Job. Going so far in my relating and we are homies and my brother from another mother relating rant to cursing the day I was born. Wondering how can this be happening to me?

I mean there are many days I go from crying out why, why, why, why, why in a huddled mess of this

trying so hard to pull it together making it through an hour to the car only to end up doing this

I mean come on I feel that I am barely hanging on at times there are days when it is 

The one thing I had going for me that my homie Job didn’t is I had the Word of God in front of me which should provide some sort of relief among all this pain and confusion right?

WRONG

If anything all it did was add to it. I mean instead of peace like a river I found out that God could let me drown. Let that sink for a second. Should He want to and should it align with His plan He could and would let me drown to further His kingdom. I ain’t got no peace now. 

In fact there are numerous times when He did just that. Remember Job? What about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego for those who aren’t quite up to date on their Sunday School stories those guys were thrown into a furnace to prove their loyalty and the part that I think most of us forget b/c hey the story is awesome is this little quote before they go into the fiery pit of doom… (Daniel 3:17-18) “If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand, but even if he does not, we want you to know…” The key point is but even if he does not… see folks God can go nope not going to today why? Because it would benefit the kingdom more for me not to interfere than to interfere. Also remember that in order to mold something from gold already formed you have to MELT it down in order to REFINE it. MELT IT DOWN PEOPLE in order to remold it into something beautiful.  Still not convinced let me put it this way

With Job he let him drown COMPLETELY until the very end then poof everything was fine and Job was reimbursed 10 times what he started with. With the 3 boys above he didn’t even let that happen he let them walk around in a fire that killed 2 guards who dared open the doors instantly. So see he could let me get to the point of drowning and throw me a life jacket so that I can scream from the top of my lungs How great thou art and how wonderful things turned out… or He could decide to allow me to continue to drown so that when He rescues me from death I will do exactly what I said above after He restores me.

This leads me back to the crumbling wall above. So here I am with my crumbling wall of life surrounding me. Personally, professionally, spiritually, mentally I am crumbling the enemy is attacking me on all fronts. I found myself saying out loud 3 times “I’m worth more financially dead than alive”. This was the enemy trying to convince me of something that will not happen for I still have work to do. That being said it showed me just how many cracks, crumbles and weaknesses have happened in my walls. How desperate I am getting. How smart the enemy's attacks are becoming. The wall is crumbling and I am a mess. Sitting on the ground I am crying out “Abba Abba please help me. Restore my wall, protect my heart, hear my pleas I need protection, I need strength, guidance and rest. But most of all Father I need you back in my fortress to help shore up these walls do not allow the enemy to destroy them”. 

Word of Encouragement Today

I will never forget the statement which that great man of faith George Mueller once made to a gentleman who had asked him the best way to have strong faith: "The only way to know strong faith is to endure great trails. I have learned my faith by standing firm through severe testings."
How true this is! You must trust when all else fails.
Dear soul, you may scarcely realize the value of your present situation. If you are enduring great afflictions right now, you are at the source of the strongest faith. God will teach you during these dark hours to have the most powerful bond to His throne you could ever know, if you will only submit.
"Don't be afraid; just believe" (Mark 5:36). But if you ever are afraid, simply look up and say, "When I am afraid, I will trust in you." (Ps. 56:3). Then you will be able to thank God for His school of sorrow that became for you the school of faith. ~ A. B. Simpson

Great faith must first endure great trials.

God's greatest gifts come through great pain. Can we find anything of value in the spiritual or the natural realm that has come about without tremendous toil and tears? Has there ever been any great reform, any discovery benefiting humankind, or any soul-awakening revival, without the diligence and the shedding of blood of those who sufferings were actually the pangs of its birth? For the temple of God to be built, David had to bear intense afflictions. And for the gospel of grace to be extricated from Jewish tradition, Paul's life had to be one long agony.

This was taken from:

Hands down my favorite devotional. 

He knows, the way that I take. ~ Job 23:10

I am reading a devotional (actually take that back I am reading a ton of them) the current one I am reading is the same one I read overseas that for some reason just really spoke to me while I was over there. It is called Streams in the Desert and boy howdy does it still speak here.

Right now I am an a desert period of life. School is ending and there is no job in sight. Read that again because while it might not seem major to some of you it is a BIG deal to me. Let me set up the story for you so that you can understand.

I have ALWAYS worked... always. Yes there have been breaks in between during transitions, life, or just searching moments. They have never lasted longer then a few months at most. This period of my life (going back to school) for 3 years has been the longest I have gone without a job. And even during those 3 months I still managed to work off and on in retail. Now here I am getting ready to graduate from a program in less then 3 weeks (yes I am sensing the theme) and I still have no job interviews, no job in mind, and no direction from God.

To say that I am freaking out is putting it mildly. To say that I was getting mad at God for not preparing me for this is also putting it mildly. I mean how can you call me to go back to school to give up so much, to go to India all to come back to this. No job, no career in sight, no hope, and no money (which sadly I do need to provide for not only myself but mom).

Then it hit me (and may I just add that when God hits me with how ungrateful I am He never does it gently. Fine, fine yes He does b/c He unlike me is a gentleman who doesn't want me knocked out, but severely humbled. Anyway I digress) as I read this..

O believer, what a glorious assurance this verse is! What confidence I have because "the way I take" - this way of trials and tears, however winding, hidden, or tangled - "He knows!"! There is an almighty Guide who knows and directs my steps, whether they lead to the bitter water at the well of Marah or to the joy and refreshment of the oasis at Elim (Ex. 15:23, 27). The furnace may be hot, but not only can I trust the hand that lights the fire, I can also have the assurance the fire will not consume but only refine. When I feel God is the farthest away, He is often the nearest to me. "When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way" (Ps. 142:3).

And if that wasn't enough here is the nail that sealed my "shut your mouth" argument...

The pain would be removed from many an agonizing trial if only I could see what Job saw during his time of severe affliction, when all earthly hope lay dashed at his feet. He saw nothing bu the hand of God - God's hand behind the swords who attacked his servants and cattle, and behind the devastating lightning; God's hand giving wings to the mighty desert winds, which swept away his children: and God's hand in the dreadful silence of his shattered om. Thus, seeing God in everything, Job could say, "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised" (Job 1:21).

Check mate.

Point taken.

I really would do better to listen to the advice I deal out regularly to the women I serve daily.

Needless to say this was my come to Jesus moment regarding once again "oh yeah of little faith, why did you doubt?" (Matt. 14:31) moment.

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I also hate when other devotionals tie into my lesson as if I didn't get it once (trust when I say I don't) so He makes sure to drive home the point...

This one is from Sarah Young's Jesus Calling for today

Listen to Me continually (let's just clear the record right now and state that I don't). I have much to communicate to you, so many people and situations in need of prayer (guilt). I am training you to set your mind on Me more and more, tuning out distractions through the help of My Spirit. (something that I desperately need to work on not just to hear You but in general to focus on You so that I can experience that peace that comes from that focus).
Walk with Me in holy trust (and why I don't is baffling you have never let me down thus far), responding to My initiatives rather than trying to make things fit your plans (guilty as charged. You never seem to work on my time table AT ALL and it does frustrate me). I died to set you free, and that includes freedom from compulsive planning (never looked at it this way). When your mind spins with a multitude of thoughts, you cannot hear My voice (sadly that makes more sense then I am wanting to admit to). A mind preoccupied with planning pays homage to the idol of control (crap I knew it was going to come back to that. It always comes back to that for me. I am starting to think my biggest sin is control not pride although to be honest I think they go hand in hand). Turn away from idolatry back to ME (fair enough! Please forgive me from this). Listen to Me and live abundantly!

April 13th devotional by Sarah Young

Words from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young (my thoughts as reading in pink)

When I give you no special guidance (crap like now I feel as if you haven't talked to me about the future in a long time and really feel lost), stay were you are (really I just don't like it here). Concentrate on doing your everyday tasks in awareness of My Presence with you (and that might be where I go wrong. Is it so wrong to want to look ahead and know where we are going? I mean I know that you have me and are keeping me safe but still just a little hint at times might be nice). Thus you invite Me into every aspect of your life (which we both know I suck at doing especially now... I hate when you hand me lessons like this). Through collaborating with Me in all things, you allow My Life to merge with yours (which is after all what I have been praying for isn't it? I mean if I am honest all I have begged from you over the last few years is to use me and send me. Yet here I am bucking at the restraint of not being used. And if I am being honest I look less  and less in your direction when you are not moving in a big way through my life).  This is the secret not only of joyful living but also of victorious living (well crap). I designed you to depend on Me moment by moment (which I don't), recognizing that apart from Me you can do nothing (well double crap I hate when the truth hits so hard).

Be thankful for quiet days (something I definitely need to work on), when nothing special seems to be happening (those always are the days that frustrate me the most). Instead of being bored by the lack of action (ouch), use times of routine to seek My Face (wow that hurts a little. It does make me wonder why I don't seek Him in times of boredom...). Although this is an invisible transaction, it speaks volumes in spiritual realms (double ouch I always forget that and then wonder why my relationship with God isn't stronger?). Moreover, you are richly blessed when you walk trustingly with Me through the routines of your day (I felt blessed when I am obedient and yet I forget that the everyday stuff is also being obedient).

I always hate it when I'm wrong and I especially hate it when a daily devotional hits so close to home. I think the reason I hate it so much is simply b/c it is right. I shared this with you today so that maybe if it hit this close to home for me it might do the same for you. 

A lot of the times in our life we get so wrapped up in the daily routines and feel stuck or worse bored with everything wondering why God doesn't move more in our lives or doesn't talk as much to us. We forget it in these times of boredom and little movement that our eyes should be extra strained on seeking Him. It is during these times that we have been given the great opportunity to rest and learn. To seek first Him and put Him first and in response the joy that we will receive from this simple act of trusting Him will take us further and build our relationship faster then any other act we could ever hope to do. 

Anupam Sharma my dear friend

Today I learned that a dear friend of my was taken from us. For those of you who know me, you know that I am an only child. My whole life I have desired brothers and sisters, but due to my personality it is hard for me to allow people in. Allow them in enough to truly think of them as a brother or sister, to care for them as such, and be willing to do anything I can for them as a I would for my own flesh and blood. This person taken from us today was one of those few that I can honestly say I called brother and meant it.

Anupam Sharma

played such a HUGE role in my life and time in India. He was the one that made sure I got to where I needed to go. He explained to me why sitting side saddle would end both of us and then proceeded to command that I ride like a man (read about that crappy adventure here). He was the one that would get me a coke everyday so that I would have a piece of home while I was over there. He also was the one who kept a running tab on how much I drank and owed him. I apparently short changed him and owed him some when I left...

He was the one that kept me from dying on freaking rickshaws (that lovely horror story can be found here). He was the one that always laughed, always smiled, always took pictures. He was the one that would go places he truly didn't want to but knew that we did (AKA the boat ride - he never let go of that post). He was the one that would do whatever need we asked without question.

He was hands down the sweetest, most gentle man, with the biggest heart that I have ever know. Oh how I will miss your quirky comments, "Your ecstasy is coming Sorai" (Long story needless to say my apartment over there was called the ecstasy enclave so when taking me back from dinner one night this is what he said out loud to all of us in the car it still makes me laugh to this day). I will miss his laugh (HA HA HA) always three always deep chuckles. I will miss his horrible advice (green tea will help you lose weight, "you would be beautiful if you were thinner, you should never ride that way, wrong shoes Sorai). His even worse nicknames for me "Brownie, Soria..."

But most important I will miss him and how I always felt safe in his presence even when he was making fun at me.

Rest in peace Pom Pom you will never be forgotten!

A little bit of Faith goes a long way.

I am currently re-reading the Bible from Beginning to End with the thought that I don't know the outcome. So in other words trying to figure out how God will answer his promise. I'm currently in Genesis (hey it's been a rough month) and BOOM it hits me...

Why do I always pray at 10pm (give or take) and expect an answer by 7am? Not only do I expect an answer at 7am I want it hand delivered by God tap dancing and saying "Hey Sara you were right, man you did truly need it, here you go Ta-Da" and poof the answer is there with whistles and bells. And yet as I'm reading through the 1st book of the Bible no less half the people don't even get to see their promises from God nor prayers come true in their life times. Did Eve ever get to see her seed strike the head of the serpent? Did Abraham see his descendants as numerous as the stars? I'm sure there are more I'm missing (and wait til we get to Moses) but for now you get the point. None of the greats saw their promises come full circle in the way they (like me) probably envisioned it.

So why do I expect an immediate answer? Heck it took Sarah an additional 20+ years (don't quote me on that) after a promise to Abraham for a son, a mis-step (when she tried to take control), and laughing AT GOD (granted behind His back but let's keep it real that was a risk) before she actually saw her promised son (whom by and by she named Laughter aka Isaac). Yet I want my prayer answered before I wake up the next morning, regardless of what is in the works b/c let's face it I apparently know better then God and deserve to have what I want and need right now.

As I write this it strikes me how dangerous and silly to demand and expect this from God (Uh hello my name is Sara I do tend to take after the female) it also struck me... how can one have Faith if one is given everything at once on demand. If one is given everything at once when one ask for it, one in fact has a genie. Not a wonderful, loving, compassionate God who is not trying to trick, make angry, take away from, enslave or punish the person praying. But, a God who works all things to HIS glory not SARA'S glory, but HIS. Who does not think like us ~ "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord" Isaiah 55:8

"So is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purposes for which I sent it." Isaiah 55:11

So maybe, just maybe I should sit back, relax and know that God has this. He is in control and Sara doesn't know everything as much as she thinks she does. If God is waiting to answer a prayer then maybe Sara should just have enough Faith to know that He a)heard her, b)loves her, and c)knows what is best for her which means He will answer it when it is time